Monday, January 02, 2017

Happy New Year - 2017

You know back then, when I am not able to sleep, I'd write. And I write a lot. There are some materials... When I read them from 6 years ago, some parts of me can't help but think... Did I write that..cos it sounds awesome. Ha!

And so it just happens that tonight, I am not able to sleep. A lot of things kept running through my mind. I’ve been having them since a couple of nights ago, but due to this process we called ageing, I was not able to keep myself up and awake enough to be able to type this coherently… not that it is gonna ever be more coherent tonight. Tonight, however, I told myself, I just needed to get this out there somehow.

This past year, as in 2016, my patience and strength was stretched to its limit. I have a partner who works in an organization who, as reported by the media, were going to lay off 10% of its workforce as the management try to figure out the best way to salvage a dying trend. As he awaits the dreaded news, I waited with him with just as much anxiety. I was so thankful that he wasn’t on the chopping board, for now. Speaking of anxiety, I can tell you clearly that I was about to lose my mind a couple of times in 2016. In May 2016, my mum went through a heart surgery, which had multiple complications. Hearing people speak, offering their “expert views” on what is best to handle my mum’s situation, I felt something in me just snapped at that point of time. I have never imagined myself shouting in a high-dependant ward at 2 fucking a.m. that was when I realized how important my mother is to me, despite our multiple fights and disagreements. In September 2016, she had to undergo another round of surgery. Again, I was reminded of how unprepared I was to go through a life without her.

So what is the point of this entry? You see, at the stroke of 12am… as everyone wishes everybody happy new year, something.. I don’t know what… whispered into my ears and said--- you are about to lose something that is important to you  this year. I don’t know what it was. I hoped it was just some passing wind. I hoped I had imagined it. I hoped that 2017 will be a better year. If not, I hope God will grant me enough iman and strength and patience to go through whatever tests he has for me in this coming year….. Amin.

Wednesday, November 23, 2016

Of Coco and Malays and Accents

So everyone is talking about this Coco girl who is faking her accent to claim that she is mix. And everyone is like slamming her for it. Some people are going to the extent of saying that she is forgetting her roots and that she is just some Malay minah.
I would just like to then ask a question—How about the Malays who are being fucking put down for TRYING to speak MALAY, but now feel inferior, cos people keep saying that they have a funny accent?
Bear with me…. I am trying to make my point.
I am MALAY. I am fucking proud to be a MALAY, because I believe that the MELAYUS have a rich culture and tradition. However, I have a problem. I have a speech problem. It was hard for me to admit it back then, but thanks to the people around me, I am slowly gaining the confidence to speak the language.
It all started with my life in primary school. Not to sound pompous, but somehow, I was among the few Malays who got into the A class. I was in primary 2A, 3A, 4A, 5A, 6A. My father was a very strict man (actually he still is). If I were to drop in my grades back then, I would have to answer to the buckle of the belt. So that explains my grades, and my overachieving nature in primary school. Being the few Malays in my class, and a painfully shy one, my close friends are therefore those in the same class as me; all of them are non-Malays. I did try to mix with the Malays from the other classes during the common Malay Language classes. However, the Malays in the other classes weren’t so open to making friends with me, cos they say “I eat ‘babi’ with the students in my class, and therefore I am haram”. So I spoke a lot more English and a bit of Mandarin in primary school. However, I did well in Malay writing classes—I even have a few of my writings published in the newspaper… My mum even had them laminated and stuck onto the fridge till today. But I couldn’t speak Malay fluently.
In secondary school, I had to take Malay O level twice cos the first time I took it, I scored C5 for the first attempt… and having Malay teachers who literally slept in class wasn’t helping the situation. But I finally managed to get A2 in the end. The oral examiners weren’t so impressed with the way I spoke in Malay.
In Madrasah, there is also the equivalent of PSLE. For the oral examination, you had to read a few pages of the Quran, which I did. In my head, I thought I did okay… that is until the Ustazah, who is the teacher, openly asked me if I had mixed parentage. I innocently told her that my father is Malay and my Mother is Javanese. I had no idea why she asked the question in the first place. She then asked her next question—Abeh kenapa awak baca Quran macam ada slang? (translation—Why are you reading the Quran with an accent?).
Many years ago, I was also dropped out of a Malay production because apparently my accent couldn’t be improved within the rehearsal period.
Then I also attended an audition for another Malay stage production. During the audition, I was asked to do a monologue in Malay. I did. At the end of the audition, the director, asked me in a condescending tone, “when you sleep, do you dream in Malay or English?” At this point the other panellists started laughing. I remembered walking out of the audition room feeling humiliated and hopeless. I remembered cursing the production and hoping that it would never fucking make it to stage… this is something that I am not proud of. Anyway, the production never did make it to stage. I also remembered wanting to give up speaking Malay or ever wanting to do any production in Malay.
I persevered. I still kept on speaking the language even though I have to, most of the time, struggle a lot. And I am not afraid to claim out loud that I am Malay. And right now, I am using my company A.D.I Concept as a platform to front productions that explore Malay cultures, tradition and the different superstitious beliefs. I am still trying to improve on my Malay, even though the accent is still stuck there.
The point I want to make out of this long post is… There are MALAYS who are fucking trying to be proud of the language and culture and tradition. WE ARE FUCKING TRYING. SO BEAR THAT IN MIND BEFORE YOU PUT US DOWN JUST COS WE HAVE AN ACCENT. WE ARE FUCKING TRYING.
Terima kasih kerana sudi membaca. Thank you for reading.

Thursday, June 30, 2016


: Before I lose my sanity, I need to write this down and let it off my chest...

Here is a conversation I just had via SMS...

Me: According to the flow that was given to me, there was this thing about Sang Nila Utama that has to be included before he recollection. And since now you're telling me that that the flow can be modified, does that mean that I can remove the Sang Nila Utama part?

She: The flow can be modified but still have to include NDP recollection.

Me: So I'll remove the part on Sang Nila Utama?

She: Can I call you now?

Me: Sure.

She called and the next part of the conversation is a phone conversation.

She: Hi. Adi. This is regarding the National Day performance ah.

Me: Yes. I am asking if we can remove the part on the...

She: You wait. I can't hear you. It is very noisy here.

Me: Oh, in that case we continue our discussion via SMS?

She: Wait wait. Now a bit quiet already.

Me: Ok, so I was saying...

She: Adi, I can't hear you. It is very noisy here.

Me: Ok. So you want me to SMS you instead.

She: ok. You were saying just now....

Me: yeah, i wanted to know if it is okay.

She: I think today we rehearseon the recollection first lah hor


Saturday, May 07, 2016

Mid-Life, anybody?

Sometimes, these days, I would sit in front of the computer and contemplate. For hours if I might add. Just thinking about the future and life, with the most desperate question almost unfailingly presenting itself—Will I have enough to buy a house for me to live in? Will I be earning enough to have a car? Will I be bale to live the tai-tai dreams?  I am after all 34 now, and am turning 35 in a few month. In 2017, I would be 35 and very much be eligible to buy a HDB flat to live on my own. With the price of housing sky-rocketing every year, will I be able to sustain myself and buy a flat that I can call my own?

I suppose as you aged, there are many things that will become a concern. HDB, health insurance… you know the things that most grown-ups think about, minus the idea of having children. Oh, don’t get me wrong. I do want children… just not sure how, if you know what I mean.

I don’t know. This may be what you call mid-life crisis. I call it crisis. Period.

I shall try to sleep these questions off. If they don’t go by tomorrow, I am gonna get myself Panadol.

Saturday, February 06, 2016

Happy Lunar New Year!

First of all, Happy Lunar New Year to all my friends who will be celebrating it tomorrow!! In conjunction with this special long weekend, I will be releasing the pilot episode of Season 1 to Idioms With Kundur. What is it about? Well, it is a project done by moi, of course with the help of the ever resourceful and helpful and talented partner in crime-- Mr Superfai, with one objective in mind-- To share with our friends the meaning behind some of the most complicated malay idioms, also known as PERIBAHASA. So keep a lookout for subsequent videos!

Friday, January 01, 2016

Blessed New Year.


It’s the new year, but what changed? Nothing much I suppose. Still the same curry with rice with egg on top.
 I still smell the same type of air, and drinking my usual cup of iced coffee. Everything seems to be the same and almost mundane and then I realised how lucky I am to still be alive and kicking to experience all this once again in a new year. Not everyone is as lucky. Some exhaled their last breath even before stepping into the newyear. Yes. Let’s remind ourselves of how lucky we are to still be able to read and write our blogs on this new year day.

Sunday, December 27, 2015

Cheers to you My Darlings, My dear Readers....

If you have been dropping by my blogs hoping for some updates, I would first of all like to thank you.  Yes. I rarely update my blog. Cos I felt that as I grow up, I seem to find the need to mince my words before I put it up online. And also it seemed a bit pointless for me to post short entries on blogs when I now can do it on facebook.

But to be honest, I miss blogging. All those pointless entries about nothingness and all those complain. Not to mention the shaming I did on this blog. Oh, all those entries, those writings without giving a fuck if anyone were to read it. The recklessness that got some people all so riled up. Back during which, responsibilities were… zero. And maturity does not even come into question…

And of course… do you guys even remember the different templates that this blog has gone through? Those were the times. Well, 2016 is around the corner… *moves over to get a glass of chocolate baileys* Here is to many more years on this blog darling. I love you all… though I may not know who is currently still reading this blog.

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

While Looking for inspiration for #Tuah ...

As I search for inspiration for A.D.I Concept’s new play, Tuah, I looked out of my window. I looked at the MRT. Pretty depressing our MRTS are-- All grey and non-shiny and old looking and… NOISY.

Then I took a sip of my tea from the mug that I got from UNISIM. I closed my eyes; almost falling asleep. I breathed hard, in and out and then I repeated this process for a couple of minutes.

I stood up and walked around. I listened to the sound of my fan, blowing hard to cool the air in the room. The sound of wind tends to be harsh at times. Have you ever tried talking over the phone while the fan is blowing at you? It can be annoying plus irritating.

Then I walked over to the toilet. I turned on the tap and put both my hands under the running tap. The water felt cold. I cupped some water and splashed it on my face. I wiped the excess water off my face. I looked at myself in the mirror and noticed a couple more new lines around my eyes. Dang… aging with stress and tiredness of working… they really took a toll on my youth.

Then I walked back into my room and sat on the same chair that I got off from like ten minutes ago. I sat and looked blankly at my laptop. I switched off my laptop and walked over to my bed. End of story.

Tuesday, October 06, 2015

The Usual Rant Before a Deadline

Hearthstone is on scheduled maintenance. Great. Just great. I am missing my bae cos we could not talk for the past 48hours. Now, my favourite game is on scheduled maintenance!

Then again, i digress. I have to finish reading this thing called a novel to complete my assignment. 218pages. I am at page 129. It is due tomorrow noon.

I have many things running in my head right now. I just had two cups of coffee, and took a deep breath of the air outside my window.

Why am i telling you this? I don't know.

Now i shall go listen to Kuda Hitam by Ketty Koes Endang. 

Monday, September 28, 2015

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