Saturday, September 30, 2006

I’m not a Singaporean?!!



Adi: Bro. You know what? I have never been so pissed off at work before!

Alter: why bro?

Adi: Okay today at work there is this one bloody foreigner. He was like approaching ym station lah. And then guess what?

AlteR: What?

Adi: I was saying lah “where are you from sir?”

Alter: And then?

Adi: And then he was like coming to me saying “it’s okay, you can say welcome to me and speak English to em cos I am from Singapore. But then looking at you, I guess you can only speak Malay”. And I was like “No. I am a Singaporean. And in Singapore, if you haven’t notice, our government has insisted that we took English as a first language”. And he was like “No lah. From your clothes can tell you are Malaysian”. And then he gave me that patronising look and left off.

Alter: And then?

Adi: So me being me, not wanting to let things go, I rushed over to another station belonging to my friend and waited for the fucker. And once I saw him there, before I could even open my mouth, he passed another patronising remark on me. He was like saying “Why did you put you hand in your pocket? Isn’t it Malay custom for you to actually reach out your hand to guests instead of putting it in your pocket?” And with a smile, I told him “It is not a necessity for Malays to actually reach out our hands to every guests. Some of us prefer to welcome our guests with our smiles. And how do I know this? I am Malay or Melayu. Of course I would have known the customs better. Furthermore, if you noticed, the hand in my pocket is my left hand. We shake our guests’ hand with our right hand. left hand is for cleaning up our behind after we shit. Do you want to be shaking the hand which I use to wipe off my shit with? And by the way, since you are so persistent on yourself being a true blue Singaporean, then can you tell me where on Singapore can you still find kampong?”

Alter: I sense sarcasm…

Adi: Yeah. Anyway, that rude person just gave me a blank look. And I pushed on saying “ If you are a true blue Singaporean, of course you would have known that there are still kampong in Lorong Buangkok!”

Alter: Really ah?

Adi: Yes. But actually I also wouldn’t have known until I saw Ah Nian’s documentary. (smile). And then I went on, “so since you are from Singapore, which hospital are you born in?” and more blank look on his face. And I was like “next time, if people politely ask which country you from, just answer it politely. Don’t need to kao peh kao pu yeah?” And with another dazzling smile, I walked off, feeling triumphant. I know it is pathetic,m but I think he deserves it.

Alter: what if he compains?

Adi: I don’t think he would even have enough intelligence to complain. And even if he did, I think my employer would have been analytical enough to see how much on an anal that rude f*** is.

Alter: So that is it?

Adi: Yup.

Alter: this is Alter signing off.

Adi: Ciaoz.

Monday, September 25, 2006

25th September

Hello N80!

Alter: Why are you grinning like an idiot?

Adi: Didn’t you see the title for today’s session?

Alter: Uh-huh. What about it?

Adi: This is why I have been smiling all the way…

Alter: Is that the--?

Adi: Yes. It is.

Alter: N80?!

Adi: Yes. Ain’t it adorable, put side by side with my new laptop!



Alter: How much did you pay for it bro?

Adi: About $600 plus. (smiles) You know before this, someone, I can’t remember who lah, told me that his aunt was planning to buy N90 for him. But now looking back, I was thiking, who needs an aunt to get you a handphone when you have a paycheck which allows you to get an N80 and a $700 gift for you mum’s birthday on the same month. (smiles)

AlteR: So are you like the new rich kid on the block now?

Adi: not really lah. But it is sufficient for now. The pay I mean. Anyhow, that is not the only thing that kept me smiling. I just can’t believe my luck recently.

AlteR: Why?

Adi: Okay when I registered for a new line (using the old number of course, too many contacts under that number!), I gave the person who did the registration for me my NS Smart card.

AlteR: For those of you who has no idea what NS Smartcard is, it is like an IC with all your particulars. For your information, Adi always carries around his NS Smartcard instead of an IC.

Adi: Yup. Cos if you lose IC, you have to pay $100, but if you lose the Smartcard, you only pay $40. smart right?

Alter: (rolls eyes)

Adi: And upon receiving my Smartcard, the guy was like “eh, you under CD you got 20% off your bill every month.” And I was like “really?” and he was like “yeah” and so from now on, I will be enjoying 20% off my subscription bill. Can you like so believe that?

Alter: So are you going to use the money you saved off the bills to give me a treat some day?

Adi: Why just one treat when you can have treats? (smiles) Anyway, I think let’s call it a day now. I need to like study all the “gerek” features of the phone. You know? When I first bought the phone, it was just a mean to like show off to people who like looked down on me, who finds pleasure in my downfall. It’s like to tell them, fuck off. Life is definitely better now for me. But then I thought it would be a better show off if I like actually know how to use the phone. (smiles) But of course, I will never forget those people who has been behind my back and who has been supporting through my darkest hours. I felt so blessed having you guys as friends. Special thanks going to Jiayuan who went all the way to like comfort me and helped me through the months of that ugly break up. Audrey too… and Harlie. Another special mention to Tasha, who actually took the trouble to like meet me whenever I felt like life was too miserable to continue with. Another special mention goes to Cindy and Gillian who have endlessly provided me with listening ears. And of course shoulders for me to cry on. Thank you guyz. They say you are lucky if you have a handful of friends whom you can depend on. I am luckIER cos I have more than two handfuls!

Alter: And with that, this is Alter and Adi signing off…

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Who would have thought that running a thread on your jaw line could create the most excruciating pain in the whole wide world!



Adi: Bro. Look at this!

AlteR: Why are you asking me to look at your chin?

Adi: Look closely!

AlteR: Am I supposed to notice that it is shinier or something?

Adi: (sigh) It’s swollen!

AlteR: Now that you’ve pointed that out. Yes. I noticed that it is SWOLLEN! What did you do to it?

Adi: I went for the most painful experience I ever had in my entire life.

Alter: What will that be?

Adi: Threading cum waxing.

Alter: Wow! What a combo? Actually yes. I have no idea what threading is and what is the connection with the swollen chin and…I also noticed that your upper lips are also SWOLLEN!

Adi: This is what actually happened today. I had a day off today and I was like hooray! I finally now have the opportunity to like try out the much talked about threading. And so today, after working out in the gym, I have decided to like go straight to Clementi. Upon reaching there, I got a little lost and so I called up Audrey to ask for some direction to that famous threading shop. Despite busy being in class, Audrey had kindly directed me to look for some yellow banners situated outside the shop. Once I saw the banner as described by Audrey, I went into the shop, and asked if the person could do threading for me lah. You know for my jaw line and upper lips. And I got rejected sia! The woman said she don’t dare cos it would have been too painful! So feeling dejected and partly demoralised, I decided to give Audrey a call and told her about how I got rejected off the shop. While talking to her, there is this fat Indian lady, who must have EAVEDROPPED my conversation, suddenly approaching me asking me if I wanna give her service a try.

Alter: Service eh?

Adi: She meant threading service. Bro, don’t derail off the subject lah…

AlteR: Okay. Continue.

Adi: And so I said okay. When I went in, she advised me to instead try waxing on the jaw line and threading on just the upper lips. She said threading the whole thing would be too painful for me. And I was like whatever is for best. So the torture began.

Alter: Sounds very kinky!

Adi: Not if you were to see me on that dentist-look-a-like-chair. The moment she was threading the left side of my upper lips, tears were already rolling down my cheeks. When she did a bit of threading on my lower lips, I was already crying, silently that is. And while she was waxing my jaw line, the bunch of hairdressers was already looking at me!

Alter: A bunch of hairdressers?

Adi: yeah. You see, the shop is shared by a saloon and the lady who does threading. And they had that you know, the oh-my-god-that-must-be-so-fucking-painful expression in their faces. And I was like… I AM THE ONE ON THIS CHAIR BEING THREADED HERE…LIKE HARLOW!! Yeah. Anyway. After the whole ordeal, which by the way felt like ages…

AlteR: How long did the whole process took bro?

Adi: About 45 minutes in total.

AlteR: is that like fast?

Adi: Super fast. The last time I did my own waxing, it took me like 2 hours and still I failed to totally remove all the facial hair! But this lady removed every single traces of hair on my upper lips and jaw lines in 45 minutes flat! She was charging me like $13 for the whole thing, but I was happy enough to give her $15! Anyway, after the whole ordeal, I was supposed to bring out mum and my bros out for dinner at Sembawang. And me and my 4th bro, you know lah what usually happens when the two of us were to go out together. Mayhem dok! Thrash talking and crappy lame jokes all the way. But today, I can’t even smile let alone laugh loudly cos the moment I tried to smile, the upper lips ached like mad! My face was like so CRAMMED! It’s like as if I had dozens of BOTOX into my face!

AlteR: I can imagine that. That constipation look.

Adi: but still I felt satisfied. The pain and tears are all so worth it! Cos now, I can look forward to days and days and even weeks without shaving!

AlteR: So do you wanna like do a little promotion for that threading place.

Adi: yes. I definitely recommend it to all my readers. Just drop by. It is the shop NEXT to the shop with the yellow banners! You just cannot miss the yellow banners in CLEMENTI! TRY IT! If you got lost, you can give me a holler and I would be more than happy to guide you there!

Alter: Alright. I guess that is it then for today.

Adi: Wait bro! I realised I haven’t thank Audrey enough for taking time off from teaching her class to PATIENTLY give me direction to the shop. Yes. I must stress the word patiently. Cos I was like a bit blur on the directions given. And she has slowly and patiently guided me through the clementi area till I found the place. THANK YOU SO MUCH AUDREY!!! Okay. Yes. Now we can end the show. This is Adi signing off.

Saturday, September 23, 2006

Third letter by my laptop



Dear reader,
I think the laptop saga is now finally over. I don’t think there is anything much that my suicidal laptop can do now. You’ll know when you read this final letter by IT:

Dear Adi,
You are one heck of an arsehole. If only there are stronger words than arsehole, I would have used it on you! Here I am. Lifeless. My face disfigured. My side-liver (the thing you used to play your fucking (literally) DVDs) is no longer functional. And my central nervous system all fucked. But do all this stop you from being an arse?! No! apparently now you have decided to extract my brain and put it in some metallic compartment and have it preserved. And THEN you just plug me in to some other weird devices and my cousin, the TOSHIBA model something something with INTEL CENTRINO processor! I just cannot take it anymore. Just wait till I managed to device a way to once and for all, end this. For now… I’ll just wait in this fucked up container!

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Happy birthday Mum!



Adi: Actually this entry is to just commemorate… Is that the correct word? Or is it celebrate?

Alter: I think it is more of celebrate. Commemorate is to like remember something which is no longer there.

Adi: Oh I see. Okay. Yes. (clear throat)
Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday dear Mum.
Happy birthday to you.

Alter: By the way, how old is she?

Adi: Oh I can’t really tell. She might just kill me. You know how women are. You know with the age sensitivity and all.

AlteR: Okay. I heard that there was a $700 bracelet include din the stash.

Adi: Yup and of course a dinner. I was thinking of bringing her to somewhere grand. But she insisted on eating in this coffeehouse at jurond west. Oh well. Whatever makes her tick.

Alter: Don’t we have any pictures for the occasion.

Adi: My digicam was away for repair. And my phone isn’t working. So no photos for the occasion. Bummer!

Alter: Well. This is Alter signing out.

Adi: And this is Adi saying Ciaoz!

Friday, September 15, 2006

Third letter by my laptop



Dear reader,
Okay. So we have all established the fact that I have or rather had (which ever suits IT) a suicidal laptop. But the third letter…it really ….i am at lost of words now, so I shall just upload the whole letter now….

Dear Adi,
I was sure that there is god up there (am still sure). And I am right. For he has given me a resolution to end all this. There has been some virus lingering around on the net. All I have left to do is to infect myself with one of them, and I shall be on my way to the land of no return. I am laughing my hearts out right. If only you could see. All I have to do now is to wait for you to log on the net for one final time and it would all be over. Sayonara!!

Monday, September 11, 2006

What kind of a seducer are you?



Adi: Actually you know what?

Alter: What?

Adi: I had done and posted this quiz up back then.

Alter: It doesn’t hurt to have it done and posted up again. You know. It just works like advertisements. Once in a while you just have to repeat the same old story again to re-fresh your audience and help them recall and tell them that it has always been the same and the quality is still there.

Adi: Oh. Okay then. Anyway, one of the question kinda caught my eye.

Alter: which one is that?

Adi: This is the question, “What's the best way to snare a stranger you are attracted to?”
And these are the choices given…

1. Notice a few things about him / her before you make your move. Once you've figured out what you can offer, you'll go over.
2. Start a conversation with him / her, asking lots of good questions - and giving out a few complements now and then.
3. Smile, look away. Repeat. Your goal is to get approached, not do the chasing.
4. Look at the person, smiling innocently, hoping he'll / she'll notice. If not, you'll approach with a super playful comment.
5. Stare intently at the person, making your availability know. Then walk up and say something to make him / her feel sexy.

Of course needless to say I chose…

Alter: I know what you chose. It is so typical of you to choose 4, cos you never do the chasing. And your idea of wooing a girl is to ask her once, and then if she gave you a lukewarm response, you just moves on. You don’t even try hard to get her.

Adi: Wah! You really know me that well.

Alter: I’m a good observer.

Adi: I think that is it for now. But before signing out, I shall just post the result for the test I did a couple of minutes ago. Ciaoz.

Your Seduction Style: Au Natural

You rank up there with your seduction skills, though you might not know it.
That's because you're a natural at seduction. You don't realize your power!
The root of your natural seduction power: your innocence and optimism.

You're the type of person who happily plays around and creates a unique little world.
Little do you know that your personal paradise is so appealing that it sucks people in.
You find joy in everything - so is it any surprise that people find joy in you?

You bring back the inner child in everyone you meet with your sincere and spontaneous ways.
Your childlike (but not childish) behavior also inspires others to care for you.
As a result, those who you befriend and date tend to be incredibly loyal to you.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

Goodbye 6110i



Alter: Eh bro. How come the title for our show today is so depressing?

Adi: Cos I am quite depressed.

Alter: About what?

Adi: About my phone.

Alter: Why?

Adi: Okay this is what happened. About two days ago, my phone has been like creating problem. It would sometimes suddenly show a blank black screen and sometimes, out of the blue, it would switch off itself, even though the battery is at the full strength. And now it finally like drew its last breath, and then I now cannot switch it on again. This is so DEPRESSING!

Alter: You have my condolences bro.

Adi: This is so not funny.

Alter: I didn’t say it was

Adi: You were implying

Alter: How would you know what I was implying?

Adi: I just know!

Silence for 5 seconds…

Adi: And you know what’s more depressing? I really felt like a HIMBO!

Alter: Woah! That is like the discovery of the year!

Adi: Minutes after my phone was spoilt, I freaked out. And you know what came to my mind?

AlteR: I don’t know. Since you said you felt like a himbo, I guess the only thing that came to your mind was probably, what colour should I changed this wretched phone into so that hopefully it can die with vogue!

Adi: (glares)

AlteR: Or maybe you were thinking “oh no! My phone cannot be caught dead in this scratched silverfish old looking casing”.

Adi: (glares)

Alter: Pun so intended (Laughs)

Adi: Sometimes I think you just have a sick sense of humour! By the way! The thing that went through my mind was..

Alter: Was?

Adi: Can you stop interrupting? You had your say liao! Now my turn to speak, kapish?! Anyway, I was thinking “Oh no! All those pictures that I have taken over the years! I have not transferred them! ARRGGHHHH!!!”

Alter: (stares)

Adi: IT’s only like the next day that I realised that I have lost something more important in that phone!

Alter: And what will that be?

Adi: That I have lost all the important contact numbers and a couple of addresses for shoots for the following week!

AlteR: (look at Adi) That is HIMBOTIC of you!

Adi: Sigh.

AlteR: You know what. I think we should call it a day. You should go and take a break. This is Alter signing out for myself and on behalf of Adi, who is apparently too depress to even sign out at the moment.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Debut in Teaching



Alter: The title sounds quite grand.

Adi: (laughs) I guess from here it does sound a little pompous. But essentially I just want to tell our readers out there that I so-called broke into the DRAMA-TEACHING industry. Or more or less like that lah.

Alter: Okay. That sounds more pompous than the title itself.

Adi: Okay. In short, let me try to make this sound as humble as I could. I have finnaly been hired to teach drama. Yes. Albeit to a primary school student, but I guess everyone has to start somewhere.

Alter: Okay tell us how it all happened first bro.

Adi: Okay it al began today. Or rather a week ago. Some friend of mine was too busy and had his schedules clashed. So he asked me if I could cover this camp in which he has to sort of facilitate lah. It was this holiday camp for kindergarten kids. So I agreed to help seeing that my schedule wasn’t that tight this month. And then I guess the person up there kinda liked my style so she officially offered me a freelance teaching position. So for today I am a facilitator. But next month, she wanted me to teach primary 4 kids drama. And one thing led to another, I just agreed to it. It was quite exciting during the camp. So I guess I was hoping for more. Plus I have been trying out to teach. But without much success you see, till now that is.

Alter: So you are now officially a drama trainer too.

Adi: Well….I prefer to just say I teach drama in primary schools. I mean this experience is all new to me. And I can’t really say much considering that the camp facilitator thingy is just a time off, and then the teaching at the primary school. Well, it was just my first official assignment. So yeah, I guess we have to see what the future holds for me. (smiles)

Alter: Well. I do hope teaching drama to primary school kids really works out for you. Congrats once again. This is Alter signing out.

Adi: And this is Adi signing out with pictures of all the cute kids that I met during the camp today. Oh by the way, the kid in yellow t-shirt is my favourite student. He is sooo cute and very…. (sigh) he is just cute lah. Bleah! I sound like some psychotic paedophile, which believes me, I am not!







Sunday, September 03, 2006

Second letter by my laptop



Dear reader,
Days after finding the first letter written by my dearest, beloved laptop, I’ve found the second letter, neatly placed under it. And I don’t know. I just find the whole business getting more depressing than ever. This is what it said:

Dear Adi,
Everything WAS according to plan. EVERYTHING. All I had left to do was to hurl myself out of the fucking locker and it would have ended. Me down there. Smashed to thousand pieces. But NO! You have to messed up THE plan by sticking out your foot on the floor, blocking me from the floor, cushioning the impact. As a result, my screen is badly shattered, but guess what?! I am still fucking alive!!

Like the current situation isn’t bad enough, you just had to make it worse. Adding salt to my wounded pride, now every time you feel like using me, you have to pair me up with some strangers who called themselves monitor! Fuck! I am being fucked by multiple monitors that so badly hurt my holes. All nine of them!
Cheebye! I don’t know how long this humiliation is going to last, but I sure the GOD up there will deliver your retribution soon
!

Friday, September 01, 2006

Farewell to Gill



Adi: Bro. I think for the last entry about my present work. I accidentally left some things out.

Alter: And what is that bro?

Adi: Quite a few stuff actually. Like for example this cute tour leader, whom I can’t really remember his name, asked for my number. The first guy to ask my number there. I freaked out and gave him a fake number.

Alter: Is that really blog-worthy?

Adi: How about those Thailand women who occasionally come up to me to ask for my number. Is that blog-worthy, no?

Alter: No.

Adi: How about my character’s name?

Alter: What about it?

Adi: Well. You know my character’s name?

Alter: Maman?

Adi: you know how it got to that name?

Alter: How?

Adi: Okay. On my first day working in Sentosa, the dudes over there asked me to think of a character’s name which matches the whole kampong theme. So I told them Adi. And they were like “no, you can’t use your own name” and I was like how about Ali? And they were like “Ali has been taken by one of the guys” and I was like “Ahmad?” and they were like “It’s the father’s name” and pointing to the fatherly looking wax figure. And I was like “what sia should my name be?” And iw as thinking and thinking and finaly I sigh and say “Maman” and they were like “BINGO” and now I am stuck with that character’s name loh.

Alter: And I also heard one of your conversation with the Indonesian man.

Adi: Which one?

Alter: Let’s play this reel to recall


Indonesian Middle-aged Man (IMM): Anak ni namanya siapa?

Adi: Nama saya Maman.

IMM: Oh. Anak ni dari Indonesia.

Adi: Tidak. Saya orang Singapura. Tapi bapak saya berasal dari Indonesia.

IMM: Kok bapanya dari Sumatera ya?

Adi: Saya tak tahu pulak. Dia Cuma cakap dia dari Indonesia.

IMM: Ini pasti bapanya dari Sumatera. Justeru namakan anak Maman.

Adi: Mungkin begitu lah agak nya. Ah. Ni dah larut malam dah ni. Nanti kampong saya naik gelap kang, pakcik dah tak boleh balik. Lebih baik pakcik pulang sekarang. Sehingga ketemu lagi ya.



Adi: (laughs) That was like my third day at Sentosa.

Alter: Are you comfortable with your character name?

Adi: It irks me at first but after six months of being stuck with that, I guess I got used to it.

AlteR: Six months? That fast?

Adi: Yup.

Alter: Look at you now. All grown.

Adi: Older? Is that what you’re about to say?

Alter: Talk about fill in the blanks.

Adi: Bitch! Anyway, a lot of things have changed lah. But one thing still remains the same. When I speak in Malay, my colleagues still find it funny. I don’t know why but they say it sounds weird when I try to speak in Malay.

Alter: Really?

Adi: Yeah. And the scary part is this coming Sunday I am having a call back for one of the auditions I went to. And guess what?

AlteR: What?

Adi: It is in Malay lah sial!

Alter: Must be the MAT ascent issit?

Adi: I don’t know. They say it is like I am neither here nor there. Stuck in between.

Alter: Not a girl but not yet a woman?

Adi: Something like that… HEI!

Alter: Moving on…

Adi: What are we supposed to talk about today ah?

Alter: According to the script (pause and refer to script), it says just go with the flow.

Adi: Go with the flow?

Alter: I thought you wrote that.

Adi: I did? Okay… Err…. Okay since we are talking about my workplace, why not talk about one of my colleague?

Alter: Which one?

Adi: Gill!

Alter: Oh. The one who got you the job?

Adi: Oh yeah. I haven’t said how this girl has gotten me the job. Okay. Here is how the story goes. As you all would have known by now, I was the so- called the second batch of talents recruited in Images of Singapore(IOS). I was supposed to be in the first batch, but iw as too busy at that point of time, so I messaged Gill telling her that I am not able to come for the first round of audition due to school commitment. And I asked her if it is still possible for me to apply upon graduation. And she told me to update her once I graduate. When I messaged her after I sat for my last paper, she arranged for Jalyn Han to audition me immediately. And long story short, here I am six months later.

Alter: And if you have no idea who Jalyn Han is, she is a veteran actor. She was under the tutelage of Kuo Pao Kun, and one of her most recent work was Salsa Salsa Salsa where she acted alongside Sharon Ismail and Peggy Ferroa.

Adi: And I would like to take this opportunity to thank Gill for all her advices and her words of comfort whenever I am down (this lady can tell if I am feeling OK or otherwise just by looking at me!). Life at IOS is dull without her 1001 lame/ corny jokes. I especially like the walking monk joke and the dwarve joke. (smiles). And I would also like to wish her the best in life. And yes, break a leg for that Vietnam film and do still keep in contact after moving to Boston ya!

Alter: She is leaving Singapore?

Adi: Yes. Her last day in IOS is August 31, 2006, W=which is like yesterday.

Alter: And Adi would also like to share pictures from the so- called last supper at Seoul Garden.

Adi: Eh! Macam tahu ajer kau.

AlteR: What?

Adi: nothing. And here are the pictures in no particular order of which one I like most;


My boyfriend for the day.

AlteR: Is that all the picture you have for the “last supper”?

Adi: Yeah. Cos most of the memory space were used up photo- whoring during working hours before the last supper. And here they are;









Alter: The last picture looks awkward.

Adi: Why?

AlteR: I don’t know. (smiles)

Adi: whatever lah. This is Adi signing out. Ciaoz!