Saturday, April 28, 2007

Reflection at 2 am. (part 1)

It’s 2 am. And I still can’t sleep. A lot has been going through my mind. A conversation I had with someone I thought I knew perfectly well. I was wrong. Nonetheless, the conversation started me thinking.

And so have my involvement with this play called 4 seconds. It’s about how someone can squandered all the chances of saying what really mattered to him, but all was not wasted cos in the end, he managed to say what he wanted to say in his last 4 seconds.

All these have led me to wonder: Have I been making full use of my life? Or am I squandering it away only to realise it at the last few seconds of my life?

I don’t know why, but somehow, my emotions are slowly running wild at the moment. Emotional surge that usually leaves me drenched in perspiration during those sleepless nights, and totally drained in the morning.

There are so many things to say, but I just can’t put my thought and feelings together, consolidated. To make sense of the madness. Of the struggle I am having inside me.

Cut to:

Adi: Every time I look at myself in the mirror, I feel fat. I feel ugly. My skin is riddled with blemishes. And the scars. And the beard that doesn’t seem to stop growing. The unwanted hair all over my face. My hair is ugly. It is curly. Why can’t I have straight long manageable hair. I am having too much white hair. Dyeing them makes my hair thin and lifeless. I am losing hair. I am balding by the day. I am 25, but I look 30.

Cut to:

E: Adi. You know ah… whenever I look at you; I always look at your arms. Do you work out?

Adi: No I don’t.

E: Don’t bedek ah. Then what, the arms just miraculously become muscular ah?

Adi: I am not muscular. I am fat!

E: don’t be ridiculous lah Adi. You’re not fat. If you’re fat, what will that make me? Obese?

Adi: I am fat! Look at these excess layers here!

E: You’re not okay. I find you quite hunky.

Adi: You know? My friends. They always said that they are approached by strangers in the train.

E: Gay friends?

Adi: Yes.

E: That is why?

Adi: What you mean?

E: Gays always tell lie. They will say so and so approached them to like make you feel like shit.

Adi: What?

E: Yes. They always do that. Trust me Adi. They will always say out random names of random guys approached them. But in true facts, it is what they wished for. No one approached them. They tell the stories to boost their own egos. To point out the fact that people find them good-looking even though they look like shit.

Cut to:

Adi: For you, even if you can’t act, you still have the looks. What do I have? Just tonnes of fat!!!

Q: You’re not fat!

Adi: And by the way, if you cannot act also, you still can dance. I can’t even dance to save my life! Not to mention the fact that I am tone deaf! So what does that make me? An actor who is not versatile enough. Can’t dance, can’t sing and above all, can’t act!

Cut to:

L: Have you been in any acting classes?

Adi: No.

L: The reason I asked is because I think you’re still too green.

Cut to:

Adi: Fuck! If every director is going to tell me that I am green, how the fuck am I going to even get any acting experience?

Cut to:
S: Why not start by doing backstage work and gain some experience from there?

Adi: Cos I was thinking of only using this one year break to see how far I can take it in the acting arena. After this, I am probably going to go back studying in NUS or NTU.

Cut to:

Adi: Fuck. Got rejected!

Cut to:

Mak: Tak per. Cuba lagi tahun depan

Cut to:

Adi: Jiayuan ah. I tried again this year. Now April leh. Still no news. Last year, I got rejection letter. This year, not even a rejection letter sia!

J: Maybe you should try to apply under the matured category.

Adi: Cannot. Must have 4 years of working experience.

J: How long have you been with Sentosa?

Adi: Just one year.

Cut to:

Adi: Sentosa is like the only company that have enough faith to hire me in their talent department. And if I were to ever make it big in the industry, I would thank Sentosa first. And I promise not to take my work with Sentosa for granted!

Cut to:

H: Are you still working at Video Ezy?

Adi: No. I quit last month. February.

Cut to:

Adi: I stayed on with Video Ezy cos at that time, things with Sentosa is not very stable mah. Then when I got transferred to Siglap, it was the first time I felt really close to my colleagues. It is like I have an extended family in Siglap. And I thought it was cool. Cos I got an extended family in Sentosa. Now I have another one in Siglap. But when most of them left Video Ezy, I no longer see the point of staying.

Cut to:

Mak: Orang berhenti kerja, kau pun berhenti. Nanti kalau tak cukup duit macam maner?

Adi: Cukuplah. Insya’allah rezeki kita dalam bidang mengajar drama dan acting ni akan bertambah.

Cut to:

Adi: I am worried ah. Cos usually I don’t get my schedule till like late month. And I am not sure if I can now swing around to do outside project.

F: Don’t worry lah. This thing can be worked around. Even Regina is encouraging us to be involved outside productions. Cos that is one of the only ways we can grow.

Cut to:

F: I always feels so small Mahat.

Adi: No lah. You shouldn’t feel that way. In fact, I have always looked up to you. You know as a performer, you would dream of performing somewhere grand, like the NUS Arts centre. And you have been there. I have yet to reach that standard. And that is why I will always look up to you. Cos I feel that you are so much talented that I am. And in terms of growth, I think you have grown a lot, physically and mentally too. Do you don’t need to feel small about yourself.

Cut to:

C: When acting, you shouldn’t’ do it from here (points to the head), you should do it from here (points to the heart).

Cut to:

D: I think you have heart murmur?

Adi: How can that be possible? Heart murmur means you have a hole in your heart right?

D: Not necessarily. It could be that the valve in your heart just didn’t’ close properly, and that can lead to heart infection.

Adi: but how can I have heart murmur? I mean if I have one, wouldn’t I have been exempted from National Service?

D: What is you pess status?

Adi: B
D: I think they must have missed it out during the check-ups.

Adi: but I can run and do my IPPT as per normal, which I don’t think anyone with a heart murmur can do without collapsing into fits or pain.

Cut to:

R: Ouch! My heart. It hurts bei.

Adi: Bei. Breathe. Just breathe k. Bei. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say what I said just now.

Cut to:

N: You always say things without thinking? Have you ever thought how I feel?

Adi: How about me? Have you ever asked how stupid I felt for dumping my place in Ngee Ann, Mass Communication, just to be in JC, so that I can be with you?

Cut to:

Adi: nah. I never regret my decision to stay in JC for two years and then join Ngee Ann Poly for mass comm after that, even though I could have just joined mass comm back then. I believe there is always something to be learnt at every stage. So I don’t think my 2 years in JC was wasted lah. Look at it this way, if I were to join NP back then, I wouldn’t have met you guys right?

Cut to:

A: Yeah. And you wouldn’t have met him. And maybe you would have said yes to me instead.

Adi: (smiles)

A: but on another thought, you might just say yes to another girl. I don’t know. Why is it so difficult to say yes to me and not him?

Cut to:

Al: You used to be straight. So how did you become bi?

Adi: I don’t know. I thought I’d just give it a shot. But there is something about him. I just realised that I only said yes, after he sang that damn song to me. Before that, I have rejected him a couple of times…

Cut to:
R: There is someone in the club that I like.

Adi: Who?

R: Make a guess.

Adi: (mentions all the girls’ names)

R: It’s a guy.

Adi: Huh?

R: Okay. I am falling for a guy in the club.

Adi: (silence)

R: Are you there?

Adi: yes. But who?

R: You have to guess.

Adi: Sarah?

R: He is cute. But no.

Adi: Shaiful?

R: No.

Adi: Sam?

R: Nooo.

Adi: is the person in year 1 or 2 or 3?

R: Hmm...not in year 1.

Adi: Fadhil?

R: No. he is like my sister. No.

Adi: but those are all the guys we have.

R: You forgot to mention one person.

Adi: Really meh? I don’t think so. I am the president. So how can I not know who are the members of PSF right?

R: Try saying out the names again. You will see that you miss out someone.

Adi: Sarah, Sam, Shaiful.

R: You see. You forget one person.

Adi: Who?

R: keep guessing.

Adi: I already guessed all the names.

R: You still missed out one person

Adi: no I did not.

R: Okay. How do I do this? You know in Hide It, you have this one line you said to John.

Adi: Uh-huh. Which one?

R: The one “John, I love you.”

Adi: yeah?

R: Yes. Now change that name John to your name.

Adi: So instead you will have John saying “Andrew I love you”?

R: No. not your character’s name. your own name.

Adi: Adi?

R: Yes. Say the whole line.

Adi: “Adi, I love you”?

R: Yes.

Adi: Huh? I don’t get it?

R: Sigh. Aiyoh. Do I have to be so straightforward? Adi, I love you.

Adi: what?

Cut to:

R: You should try to listen, and not just hear. You know the difference?

Adi: (nods, still tearing)

R: The problem with you is that you thought you’re listening when you’re not.
Cut to:

Adi: I don’t understand.

Ai: I don’t expect you to. You have never tried to anyway. I don’t think it would make much difference now.

Adi: so you are going to throw away two years of what we have, just like that?

Ai: I don’t think we have anything. The last two years, I felt like it was built on lies.

Adi: That was just one lie.

Ai: that is the only lie that I found out. How would I know that there isn’t any other lies?

Adi: I never tell you any other lies!

Ai: like I say how would I know?

Adi: Have I ever cheated on you?

Ai: Adi. You’re not listening. I said “how would I know, right?”

Adi: Why are you calling me Adi?

Ai: Cos that is your name?

Adi: but you never called me Adi for the longest time.

Ai: Time has changed. (throws hand phone to Adi). This has changed everything.

Cut to:

A: What happened to the Adi I once know? Who has his own set of principles and who were once so firm with his own school of thoughts?
Adi: He is still here. He just made a stupid mistake. That’s all.
A: No. He is no longer there. I don’t see it in his eyes.
Adi: Why are you repeating his lines? He said the same thing before we broke up.
A: Because it is true. When I looked in your eyes, I don’t see him anymore. I don’t see the Muhammad Mahadi B Jamaludin anymore.
Adi: You’re not looking deep enough I guess?
A: Just one question: What does he have that I don’t have, that makes you say yes to him but not me? I waited for so long, and you said yes to him and not me!

Cut to:

Adi: I think you should find someone else. I don’t want you to waste your time waiting for me. Cos I am not ready yet.

Al: when will you be ready?

Adi: I don’t know. But I don’t think it will be any time soon. Sorry. But I really think you should not waste any more time waiting for me.

Cut to:

D: Abang. I don’t think I am ready to settle down.

Adi: what? But I thought you were.

D: No. I am still traumatised by my previous relationship.

Adi: So, you have never loved me?

D: I think it was an infatuation.

Adi: Like a crush?

D: No. A crush is just like for a while. Infatuations take more time to wear off.

Adi: so you have never loved me.

D: I thought I do. And I think I am…slowly falling for you. As in I feel that the infatuation is slowly becoming love. But I am just not ready for it. Actually I am not even sure what it is at the moment anymore.

Adi: I thought you knew. You know why I break it off with Calvin? It’s because he cannot even make up his mind. And I thought, why should I wait around for someone who is indecisive when here I have someone who is sure that he loves me. And now you tell me you’re not sure?

D: It’s not that I am not sure. Okay. Are we official?

Adi: I wanted to. But you said you’re not ready. And I don’t want to rush things cos I have been situations where I am rushed to make decisions. And I know how that feels like. It sucks. And that is why I don’t want to be rushing you.

Cut to:

N: You’re always taking things for granted. Just because you could have everything you ask for today, you don’t think about tomorrow. And you are always doing things slowly, leaving everything up till the next day.

Cut to:

R: you’re taking your own time. And I am sick of threading on still water.

Cut to:

Ai: I am leaving and you don’t even care.

Cut to:

R: You always let your ego gets in the way.

Cut to:

Ai: the world is so small when put beside your ego.

Cut to:

Adi: Even if don’t say it, you know that I do care!

Cut to:

N: you can never hide anything. Your eyes will give you away. It show your feelings.

Cut to:

R: Your eyes are not the only thing that shows. You wear your emotions on your sleeves bei. Why don’t you just say the truth and not let your ego gets in the way? If you really love me, for once, please don’t let your ego be in the way. Really show me how much you love me!

Cut to:

N: I don’t think you even love me.

Adi: I do

N: Then why whenever we go home, you never talk to me. You chose to talk JY, Fadhil, anyone except me.

Cut to:

N: You were hugging her!

Adi: she is my team mate. Of course we should hug each other when we win a round. So do you feel jealous when I hug Cordellia?

N: She is your lecturer!

Cut to:

F: Do you know that my sister loves you?! Why don’t you love her back?!

Cut to:

Adi: I really love you a lot.

Cut to:

D: Why are you so nice to me?

Adi: Cos when I love someone, I will give almost everything now.

Cut to:

H: I will need to borrow $50

Adi: I am financially tight now also. Cos I need to pay for my laptop and bills. Can I give you $20 instead?

H: Okay can.

Cut to:

H: I need another $60. Cos my sister created some problems and I need the money urgently.

Adi: Okay. Can when you want it?

H: Can you transfer it to my account?

Cut to:

H: Thanks for sending me home.

Adi: Nah. It’s okay.

H: I think I am falling deeper for you.

Cut to:

Adi: Why do you love me?

Cut to:

R: I think it is love at first sight. When I saw you in the music room on that day, my heart just race. And from that day onwards, I never stop thinking of you and trying to catch your every attention. I also don’t know what actually made me fall for you.

Cut to:

N: I don’t know. There is just something about you that somehow I don’t seem to be able to point out why I love you.

Cut to:

Ai: If someone were to give me reasons as to why they love me, I would tell them, that is not love. So yeah. The answer to your question is “I don’t have a clue why I love you. I just do”

Cut to:

H: I don’t know. It is just that when you’re not there during rehearsal, I feel something is missing. Like I am missing something. Someone.

Cut to:

D: There are a lot of reasons. I think one of the reasons is because you’re one of the sweetest person I have known.

Adi: So if I am no longer sweet, you will stop loving me??

D: It is not that.

Cut to:

Adi: That is exactly the answer I was looking for. “Don’t know” cos if you start giving me reasons, I say that is not love. Cos love is supposed to be irrational.

To be continued…..

Monday, April 23, 2007

I still love you

These legs just won’t budge
No matter how I tried to move them
This heart still aches at the sight of your countenance
Be it in person or remnants of those sweet memories.
As distance makes the heart fonder
I crave and I yearn
Every opportunity for your warmth
I hunger for your attention that you once gave back then
These tears still flow
Even in the absence of your acknowledgement
The more I tried
The deeper the cut
Should I just falter, or should I still persevere?
my heart and mind, still in your hand
they lay cold and motionless
Still you won’t breathe life into them
I continue being dead… while I’m still in love with you.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Do you love me?

Love is a complicated thing. I use the word “thing” for lack of better words right now. Is it a system? Blessing? Curse? I once told someone. Okay wait. Sigh. My mind is so screwed right now. I can’t even arrange my train of thoughts.

On the 12th April, I helped this NTU student with his photo shoot. And during the photo shoot, he will snap casual shots of me while we talk about love, those stupid things we do and work and more stuff about love and the whole concept of it. I think I am kinda having a crush, but that’s not the point. During the conversation, I suddenly said, “Love is a poison and a cure in itself.” I don’t know where I got that from, but I just said it. He was taken aback for a moment, and he said that is an interesting perspective; he is actually the philosophical type, you see. A rare gem!

Anyway, I continued saying that love is a cure to loneliness, misery and many other manifestation of emotional illnesses. When you found a loved one, a partner, suddenly you see everything wrong in the world as being right. You felt bliss, at ease and suddenly nothing can ever get you down, cos you know when you’re falling, you will have a pillar to lean on. But then love, being complicated and all, also present itself as a poison. Sometimes, when you fell for the wrong person, you thought of dying, cos the pain is just too much to bear, too hideous to bare. And you slap yourself around, wishing it was all a big nightmare and that tomorrow will be a better day, but as fate would have it, love takes time to heal. And then you tell yourself, love is a poison, which you will stay away from forever. But then again, there will come a time when you just find yourself alone, lonely, and you just cannot help noticing around that your friends are all happily attached, holding the hands of their loved ones; everyone except you. And the crave for love will creep in slowly, and you know you just have to find that cure called “LOVE”. Love- a poison and a cure; some people died seeking for it, others keep searching for it till their golden age!

When it comes to love, it takes two hand to clap, sounds simple but as you would have already discovered, complexity presents itself in the simplest simplicity.

There are times, when you love someone so deeply, but it turns out, that it was a one sided affair. You would give everything to have the love of this person, but then again, he/ she just don’t give a damn.

There are also times when someone is so deeply in love with you, that he/she will do anything to win your heart, but you just don’t have the feeling for them. Should you then force yourself to love the person, just because he is so sweet to you?

I once had (I don’t know about now lah) someone who waited for me for more than 6 years. I knew him since JC. We have seen each other through the many heartbreaks. I have seen him through his NS years, through the times when he was abused by this Abang, whom I cannot remember his name now, through his years with Immeran, till the time he landed his first job in IKEA. He proposed many times only to be met with a “NO”. Every time I said no, he will withdraw himself, and I cite “I think it is better for me not to see you then, cos I think it will be easier for me to forget you that way.” But every hari raya, he will never fail to message or call me up and we will meet to break fast on one of the fasting days. But all that has stopped now. I don’t know why, but somehow, I missed our times together, especially when one of my colleagues mentioned him.

I think the biggest blow for him was to see me with this someone whom in introduced to him as Adik. Me and my so-called Adik met him once in IKEA and he dragged me one corner to ask me if that was my BF.

A: Is that your BF?
Adi: No lah. That is my Adik. I am just close to him lah.
A: You know that you can never lie, right?
Adi: I am not lying.
A: So why are you so defensive?
Adi: Am i?
A: Your shoulder is tensed.
Adi: Tsk..
A: Come on Adi. I have known you for how long already? (take a peek at Adik) From his body language and all, I can tell that he is already. I takes one to know the other.
Adi: No lah. You’re overanalysing things.

Two days later, I received a voice mail. It was from A. it was a song, sung by him:

Di manakah letaknya diri ku ini
Sehingga ku rasa sungguh asing sekali
Hilang sudah rindu dan kasih sayang
Segalanya bagai baru saja bermula

I thought that was very sweet of him to be serenading to me and all. Little did I know that there was a meaning to the song. He saw me with Adik, and he knew that I was attached, I was no longer straight. When I broke up with Adik, he called me, and we met.

A: What happened to the Adi I once know? Who has his own set of principles and who were once so firm with his own school of thoughts?
Adi: He is still here. He just made a stupid mistake. That’s all.
A: No. He is no longer there. I don’t see it in his eyes.
Adi: Why are you repeating his lines? He said the same thing before we broke up.
A: Because it is true. When I looked in your eyes, I don’t see him anymore. I don’t see the Muhammad Mahadi B Jamaludin anymore.
Adi: You’re not looking deep enough I guess?
A: Just one question: What does he have that I don’t have, that makes you say yes to him but not me? I waited for so long, and you said yes to him and not me!

And that was among the last words I heard from him. Last I heard he is now happily attached to someone and he is living happily ever after with that person.

I pray for his happiness.

So,now, I am once again alone. Single. But as the photographer has asked me before “So do you give up now? Or do you continue your pursuit for the cure?” and I said “I shall continue for as long as my life permits.”

Love. It can be so cruel sometimes, right? When you love someone, only to discover that someone is not in love with you…

Every time I see your face, my heart smiles
Every time it feels so good, it hurts sometimes

p.s:Do you really love me?

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Alanis... Love her!

Saw this off Jon's blog and I just love it so much that I have to put it in my blog too! Alanis has always been one of the female singers I looked up to, apart from Mariah that is. There is something about this lady... the edgy lyrics and the voice with ATTITUDE, has never failed to impress me!

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Short and Sweet

Alter: Woah! How long it has been?

Adi: Long enough I guess.

Alter: Wait. Let me count. 1,2,3 months?

Adi: Somewhere around there. And I am not trying to make excuses for the long err… should I say absence of update, but seriously, my schedule has been crazy, and if I so do happen to have an off day, which is very rare, I would prefer to just go out and shop or dine or meet friends or just.. I don’t know. Most of the time, I just use my off days to catch some sleep.

AlteR: And when he says off day, it didn’t mean just off from Sentosa.

Adi: (laughs) You know me…

AlteR: Yup. Cos when he does get off from Sentosa, he is usually busy with teaching drama, and going for some random rehearsals and stuffs. And I heard from reliable sources that your schedule is more hectic this month?

Adi: where do you hear it from ah?

AlteR: From some source… Well. Just some source, which I don’t feel there is a need for me to elaborate further, yes?

Adi: Okay… Well. Yes. But there are also some projects that are not confirmed yet. So yeah. It might get more hectic, but then again, it might just be a-okay as time fillers I guess.

Alter: You’re talking in circles now. Are you hiding anything from the readers?

Adi: (laughs) No. I’m not. Okay. Wait. By now, I am sure most of my colleagues and friends would have known that I have been selected to act in 2 plays in the Short and Sweet Festival. So yeah… here are a bit more details about it:

25 April to 29 April 2007, 8pm
Studio Theatre, Nanyang Academy of Fine Arts
Tickets: $25

“4 seconds”
Written by Leon Foo. Directed by Christina Sergeant.
How much can you say in 4 seconds? Quite a lot actually, especially when that’s all you have left to live.

Saturday, April 21, 3pm
Play Den, The Arts House,
Tickets: $20

Written by Suzanne Choo. Directed by Jenniffer Tang Ting Ting.
Creative consultant: Malti Lalwani.
Starring Adi, Ken Mizusawa and Jamie Shawn Tan.
Does anyone really care about what's happening to the environment? This play examines the arguments of a man who’s intimately familiar with the subject: the valet parking attendant.

Alter: Two plays? Isn’t it like heavy?

Adi: Not really. Cos for Smoke, I am only carrying a small role. And it is a comedy, so I guess it is not really that taxing as compared to 4 seconds. For 4 seconds, I am one of the 2 leads, and the play is very emotionally challenging to me. And plus there were chunks and chunks of lines to be memorised. Eh.. I just realised that for Smoke, they actually put who is starring in the play but for 4 seconds, it is omitted out. Hmmm… Okay never mind. Anyway, on top of the 2 plays, as usual, I am also teaching drama at three primary schools. An d on top of that I MIGHT be involved with some school shows.

AlteR: Are you referring to the PUB shows?

Adi: Nope. The PUB far, I have not heard much about it. I was supposed to be called down for a review by the board of PUB committees. But that hasn’t happened yet so far. So I really don’t know what will happen to that one. But right now, I am in the midst of working things out with another company who is also doing school shows for some stat boards. So keeping my fingers crossed for that one, cos from the way I look at the schedule, all my classes will end by the end of April. So by May I should be free enough to pick up school shows.

AlteR: Okay. Actually I want to ask more on how is the Sentosa show coming along. But, I think I should keep that a bit later, cos right now, I want to ask you to elaborate more on the Short and Sweet festival.

Adi: What about it?

AlteR: Yes. Exactly, what is it about? Cos not many of us here are theatre people and there are people who might be asking what the hell is this Short and Sweet Festival this guy is blabbering about?

Adi: I thought I left the links for the readers to read more about it?

AlteR: Yes. But wouldn’t it be more convenient for them to read it off here rather than go surfing to some other websites, don’t you agree?

Adi: Okay. Like that, then allow me to cite some of the description given in the website. Wait ah. Okay. Here it is:

Now entering its sixth year, Short & Sweet is the biggest festival of short theatre in the world. Held annually in Sydney, Melbourne and now Singapore, the Festival has staged nearly 400 plays, watched by 18,000+ people.

This innovative and fresh theatre festival will feature 40 ten-minute plays that showcase the best of Singapore’s established and emerging Writers, Directors and Actors including Tracie Pang, Christina Sergeant, Samantha Scott-Blackhall, Michael Corbidge, Noorlinah Mohamed, Ng Yi-Sheng, Loretta Chen, Ovidia Yu, Katerina Tiapula and many more.

During the Singapore Festival, Short & Sweet will present 20 different plays over a two-week period. The climax will be a Gala Final and Awards night, complete with a panel of highly respected industry judges – cited from
Short and Sweet Singapore 2007

Alter: So, if the play that you are acting in is selected for the gala final, where will it be staged?

Adi: Yes. I am keeping my finger crossed that at least one of the play is selected. The Gala night will be over at the recital studio in Esplanade. And if that happens, it will be my first time acting there. And to be honest, there is a lot of first for me in this festival. And one of it is to perform an emotionally heavy piece in front of an audience for 5 nights straight?

Alter: But aren’t the Song of the Sea an everyday performance?

Adi: Actually even for the Song of the Sea, it is not 5 straight days, the maximum number of days I perform for a week is only like 4 days. And for Song of the Sea, it is more physically demanding, and it is not an emotionally heavy piece. (smiles)

Alter: Alright. I think that is all the time we have for now.

Adi: Yes. But before we end the show, let me just state the dates for my performances for Song of the Seas:

13th april- 7.40pm and 8.40pm.

If you are free on that day, just give me a holler, and I might be able to get SOME of you guys in for FREE.

AlteR: and apart from that, do check up some entries which has been previously unavailable cos the time constraint at that point of time. And they are the following entries:

Rocky Horror

My Personality

The Story of Adi and the Hairdresser

Another Mindless Quiz

A Write- up for an entry to NUS

Calm and Cool

10 things I miss now

So yes, be sure to read all of them yeah. This is Alter signing out.

Adi: And this is Adi. Ciaoz.

Thursday, April 05, 2007

10 things I miss now

1. I miss the time when me and the colleagues would drop by Seah Imm hawker center almost everyday after work. Quote Beep: “ Lepas tu kau mesti leave half way cakap kau nak gi gym.”

2. I miss gym. It has been quite a while since I last visited it

3. I miss the time when there were only 6 of us. we have this common understanding between us. and when one of us are successful, we ARE GENUINELY HAPPY for one another. Not that we are not genuine now, but I guess there are some people who just, you know, seem so fake, and what the malays term as MATA MERAH, meaning when someone is successful, they will tend to have this ill-feelings for them. But still I hope, between the 6 of us, things will remain the same.

4. I miss Fadhil, Jiayuan, Harlina, Rashad and Johnathan!!! It has been ages since we all last meet. Hope to meet you guyz at Fadhil’s little gathering at NSRCC on the 21st and 22nd k. Don’t bubble hor!

5. I miss the nightly rendezvous at AL-AMEEN with the AL-AMEEN SIX-SOME!

6. I miss DEBATING. As in the real debating tournament thingy. Not the petty arguments I had on the day to day basis. Hur hur…

7. I miss MELON BUNS! Only one bakery store located at Taman Jurong has these buns. The bakery store anme is B&W. So yeah…to all the good hearted soul, if you have the time, I would so appreciate it if you could get me some of those. Sigh….have been too busy, that I just don’t seem to be able to drop by that bakery store to grab it!

8. I miss my N80 which has gone missing for like two weeks now!

9. I miss reading Chuck Palaniuk!

10. And I miss YOU most. Been like 5 years now. And when I think of you, it just hurts so much. And when I speak of you it hurts more...

Monday, April 02, 2007

Calm and Cool

Alter: For someone, whose heart has been crushed and who had lost a $800 plus handphone, you seem to be handling it all quite alright.

Adi: (smiles) What else could I do? Oh yes. Before we proceed on, let me just fill the readers and what happened to my phone. Okay. On 25th March, I used my lunch hour to go out for a script read over at Tanglin Ridge, which was at Tanglin Rd. Then, on my way back to Sentosa, I took this cab driven by a dishonest uncle. Okay what I mean by dishonest here? He took the long turn to get me back to Sentosa. So throughout the whole trip back I was like rambling on and on about the long trip and how it would have been cheaper and shorter if he turned the other way. And then… after alighting from the cab, I discovered that I had dropped my phone inside the cab.

AlteR: the cab with the dishonest driver?

Adi: Yes. And tried calling my phone using my colleagues’ phone, but no one picked up the phone. And then my colleague, Hazima helped me call my “lost” phone a couple of times, and the unlce picked it up. I talked to the uncle and he claimed that he was going to return the phone to me. I waited and waited and till now, the phone has not yet been returned to me.

AlteR: what do you expect? He was dishonest from the beginning.

Adi: and the worst thing is I couldn’t remember his cab plate number, his name or his face. And I have always thought better of malay cab drivers (sigh)

Alter: And did you rememeber to deactivate your phone?

Adi: Yes. I have deactivated it, and then I had my SIM card changed the following day.

Alter: And then there is this thing about having your heart crushed. Can you tell the reader on what has happened?

Adi: Okay wait. Before we moved further, I would like to take the time to thank a few people. Okay. First of all, I would like to thank Hazima. Here is a colleague, a supervisor and a friend whom I always quarrel with. She painstakingly took the time to help me call my phone a couple of times till the uncle picked up my phone. And never once did she scold and show face or got impatient with me when I keep borrowing her phone on that day that I lost my phone. And she even helped to comfort me right to the time when I was about to perform for the Song of the Sea. To Hazima, THANK YOU SO MUCH!

And to my little sister, Cindy, who have volunteered to lend me her phone till I got a new handphone, without having me to ask her for it… THANK YOU!!

And here is the weird part. On one hand, someone whom I always had quarrels with was more than willing to go the extra miles to hep me find my phone. On the other hand, someone who I love so DEARLY. Someone who has so called proclaims his love for me in February. That someone, when I told him about my lost phone, his only response was “You should try calling the cab company.”

AlteR: And that’s it?

Adi: yes. That is it! That is all he could say. There was no hugs of comfort. There was no WORDS OF COMFORT. No “come put your ehad on ym shoulder and cry” kinda words. Nothing. Zilch!

Alter: Woah!

Adi: And I should have like take that as should I say this…

Alter: symptom? Prequel?

Adi: Somwhere along that line..erm… a sign I guess?

AlteR: As a sign of what to come?

Adi: yeah

AlteR: Why?

Adi: cos shortly after that, this same person whom I had loved so dearly approached me to borrow money. This is not the first time he asked me for money lah. And there are times when I can’t really help but to notice that something is very wrong between me and this person that I loved so dearly. It’s like, back then, he would message me incessantly to like ask me if I have eaten and how am I and what am I doing, you know that kind of i-am-very-concern-about-you-kinda-messages. But lately, he wouldn’t even pick up my calls, no matter how important it is. He rarely replies to my messages. And HE WOULD ONLY MESSAGE ME WHEN HE NEEDS HELP. ESPECIALLY FINANCIAL HELP! So two days after I lost my phone, I got my line reactivated. And the first message I received from him since the whole catastrophe was him needing to borrow $20 from me. And when I failed to lend him the $20, I don’t know. Since then I felt that he started distancing himself away from me.

Alter: Hmmm… It sounds like you have just been toyed around.

Adi: It seems that way. Of course, it could all be just a misunderstanding on my part. But then again, if it is, and he comes to me and clarifies thing, I am willing to apologies. But then again, I don’t think he would even bother. And so I can’t help but to conclude what I said on the above. That… I am just a tool. Something that he made use of.

Alter: So how are you feeling right now?

Adi: I don’t know. Like you said, I look calm on the outside. But actually it is like a huge turbulent going on inside me. Sad. Disappointed. I don’t know what to feel anymore right now. And the worst thing is that I couldn’t tell anyone about it. Cos he also happens to be a colleague. And I don’t want any of my other colleagues to know about it, cos they might then have a negative perception of him. And I don’t want that to happen… cos I think I still do care for him.

Alter: So what is going to happen now?

Adi: I seriously don’t know. I guess I just have to be professional and not let it affect our working relationship loh. And hopefully, I am keeping my fingers crossed, it would not affect me at work lah.

Alter: Well. I am really bad at comforting words. But I just want to say, take it easy.

Adi: I am. (smiles)

AlteR: Like you always said to yoru friend, the ocean is wide. There are more than one fish in the ocean.

Adi: (laughs) I will try to stick to that philosophy. But what happens if I only like merlion?

Alter: Are you trying to be lame here?

Adi: Just to cheer myself up.

Alter: (pats Adi’s back) I am sure you would find the right one next time.

Adi: Hope so. (smiles)

Alter: Alright. That is all the time we have for now. This is Alter signing out.

Sunday, April 01, 2007

You Are 18 Years Old

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.

13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.

20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.

30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!

40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.