Sunday, December 19, 2010

Things to look out for...



in the next few weeks:

The little Fockers (according to Yahoo Movies, it is opening 22nd December 2010)


The Tourist (according to Yahoo Movies, it is opening 29th/30th December 2010)


Burlesque (according to Yahoo Movies, it is opening 11th January 2011)


The Swordfish + Concubine


MY BIRTHDAY- 26/1/2011 (29th birthday, not yet stepped into the big 3+.. PHEW!)


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Saturday, December 11, 2010

A nice quote from a book about euthanasia



Walter: You see, my boy, in hospitals, on the many benches, sit estranged... fathers, sons, mothers, husbands...incapable of allowing each other to die. "Let him see me once more. Let him open his eyes once more." This they say to their doctors. In that "once more", love will be shown, finally exchanged.

Some new German words learned...



"nanu" is an undefinable German sigh or explanation; "opa" is German for grandfather.

Two meanings



e·piph·a·ny   
[ih-pif-uh-nee]
–noun, plural -nies.
1.
( initial capital letter ) a Christian festival, observed on January 6, commemorating the manifestation of Christ to the gentiles in the persons of the Magi; Twelfth-day.
2.
an appearance or manifestation, esp. of a deity.
3.
a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience.
4.
a literary work or section of a work presenting, usually symbolically, such a moment of revelation and insight.










hedge   
[hej] Show IPA
noun, verb, hedged, hedg·ing.
–noun
1.
a row of bushes or small trees planted close together, esp. when forming a fence or boundary; hedgerow: small fields separated by hedges.
2.
any barrier or boundary: a hedge of stones.
3.
an act or means of preventing complete loss of a bet, an argument, an investment, or the like, with a partially counterbalancing or qualifying one.
–verb (used with object)
4.
to enclose with or separate by a hedge: to hedge a garden.
5.
to surround and confine as if with a hedge; restrict (often fol. by in, about, etc.): He felt hedged in by the rules of language.
6.
to protect with qualifications that allow for unstated contingencies or for withdrawal from commitment: He hedged his program against attack and then presented it to the board.
7.
to mitigate a possible loss by counterbalancing (one's bets, investments, etc.).
8.
to prevent or hinder free movement; obstruct: to be hedged by poverty.
–verb (used without object)
9.
to avoid a rigid commitment by qualifying or modifying a position so as to permit withdrawal: He felt that he was speaking too boldly and began to hedge before they could contradict him.
10.
to prevent complete loss of a bet by betting an additional amount or amounts against the original bet.
11.
Finance . to enter transactions that will protect against loss through a compensatory price movement.




Definition by Dictionary.com

Friday, December 03, 2010

It's Frustrating!



Imagine yourself to be in my shoes. It’s 5am. 2 hours ago you had just fallen asleep. Meaning: You’ve only had 2 hours of sleep so far. You woke up after a fucked up nightmare. You know it was a fucked up nightmare and that is why you’ve woken up. The fucked up thing is that you cannot remember what the fuck the nightmare was all about.

You tried your darn best to go back to sleep, but sleep just eluded you. You turned and twisted on the bed hoping to gain back that blissful position that puts you back to Lala Land. Nothing works.

There is a rumble to your stomach. You got up, went to the kitchen and the only thing available was French toast from the day before. You’re hungry, and lacks of sleep. You’re angry.

The next thing you know: You were throwing your laptop into your bag (not literally throw; more of putting it gently into the bag), followed by your keys, handphone and wallet. You walked 1km to the nearest shopping center hoping that the Mc Donald’s would be open. It wasn’t open. You took the train, wearing white t-shirt, shorts and no undies one station northward. You alighted and went straight to the 24hour Mc Donald, typing furiously on your laptop while having hotcakes ( which are basically pancakes) and coffee.

You are still fuming mad, but you tell yourself: Nothing is gonna fuck up my day today!

Friday, November 19, 2010

What Palaniuk said to me in his latest book...




Palahniuk did it again. Another master piece. “Tell- All” –difficult to read at first with all the incessant reference to all those famous people whose half of their names just eluded my memory. But I must mark these momentous moment where I am inspired. Two of his quotes just blew me off and I just have to write it down here, in this virtual world where I know, will remain for as long as the server will allow it…

“The most cunning compliments”, playwright William Inge once wrote,”seem to flatter the person who bestows them even more than the person who receives them.”

The infamous advice Busby Berkeley gave to Judy Garland, “if you’re still having bowel movements, you’re eating too much.”

And to get rid of dead cells from your soles, just use pumice stone…

Interesting Finding



Every country likes to think their coffee is the best, but it turns out the Singapore blend of coffee might have something to it after all. According to a recent study, drinking two cups of strong locally brewed coffee a day may protect habitual cigarette smokers from developing advanced colon cancer.

But before you go dowse the health nuts in coffee dregs and cigarette butts, the study cautions that it doesn't mean people can continue smoking tobacco and avoid disease if they drink coffee.

The study was funded by the U.S. National Cancer Institute and conducted by researchers from the University of Minnesota on over 60,000 Singaporean men and women, aged 45–74 years, who lived in HDB housing estates and were either of the Hokkien or Cantonese dialect groups. "Singapore Chinese prepare coffee in a way that likely preserves the putative chemoprotectants, cafestol and kahweol, that have been the primary focus of basic science investigations of coffee and cancer prevention," said Sabrina Peterson from University of Minnesota. We don't have the faintest idea what cafestol and kahweol are, but they sound very important.

Peterson explained that Singaporeans primarily drank coffee made by boiling ground dark roasted coffee beans with water in a pot, letting the grounds settle, and then pouring the liquid through muslin cloth filters to strain. Due to significant trapping of cafestol and kahweol found in the cloth filters, Peterson’s team assumed that these two compounds are present in significant amounts in common Singapore coffee, and may protect frequent coffee drinkers against the development of advanced colorectal cancer.

In other words, kopitiam kopi (coffeeshop coffee) is potentially good if you smoke. Just don't overdo it -- smoking can cause a lot of other lethal things besides colorectal cancer. My 20-a-day buddy's breath is just deadly.



Read more: Two Singapore coffees a day keeps that cancer away... Maybe | CNNGo.com http://www.cnngo.com/singapore/none/nih-study-coffee-drinking-and-smoking-singapore-chinese-855682#ixzz15lPlE8VQ

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

I love you



Lying beside you
I am always preoccupied with
Watching your every breath
Wondering what you’re dreaming of behind
those closed lids.
You look so calm
Like as if you feel so safe beside me;
I feel safe beside you
Safe enough for me to
Love you and devote my life to you.
All the curves on you,
I trace with my finger.
I press my face against yours
I sniff in the fresh scent from your hair,
And I gently press my lips against yours.
As you open your eyes gently, you smiled.
I love you.

Monday, October 11, 2010

If you had not been able to read up on me for a bit of time, fret not, cos I had not been having the time to update it either. But after a series of inspiring-thought provoking moments/rubs with people from around me, I just had to relieve the itch of blogging again. Oh yes, don’t trust the dates written next to these few updates.

* She Made my Day
* Gay= EXTRAVAGANT?
* EAT PRAY LOVE
* Unlike Some People


I wrote them in one of the inspiring night/ morning and decided to spread it around the blog, so that It looked that like as if I had been updating my blogs religiously, when it actual fact… well, you and I, we both know best.

I also believe that by spreading it around the blog/ dates, the update is broken up to different parts and thus easier for read. The one moment that kinda struck me was a conversation with a…erm… boss? You see this lady, I see her more of a colleague rather than a boss. However, her wealth of experience and the fact that she pays me, kinda puts her in a higher level than working colleague. Whatever it is, a conversation with her and fellow drama trainers last Sunday, kinda made me think about this whole notion of me or you (yes, the one reading this blog) being a living encyclopedia for the next generation. What does she mean by that?

Okay to start it all off, let me re-tell you the story that she told us trainers on that day. Oh by the way, this lady that I’m referring to, she is Rila Melati. IF you don’t know her, please feel free to click here.

She was telling how some current NUS students are now mailing her to seek permission to use her thesis paper as a research material and a basis for their upcoming essays, and she was telling us that back then, when she wrote her thesis, she had no basis or references to cite. So she ahd to go to the primary sources and interview people from the arts industry; namely Noor Effendi Ibrahim, Jamal and so forth. And she was telling us how surprise she was to find out that twentry years later, after she graduated, these students are asking her permission to use her thesis as a basis. The question is; shouldn’t there be more resources out there for these students to use as their basis. And she had a discussion with some theatre practitioners and they found it alarming at how twenty years down the road, Malay Theatre seem to have frozen and stood still against time. It had not change that much and most of the movers and shakers aren’t shaking as vigorously as the way they shakened things up back then. And she said that it could be due to our Malay culture where sharing is rare. And i8t could also be the rigidity of the Malays to change their perception towards the arts as just a form of entertainment that distracts rather than an area where the Malays could have excelled and made millions from. Therefore, this nice lady had told us, that as practitioners, we should do our best to stand up for what we believe in (and she quotes Alfian Saat in this) and write down our experiences into a form of a journal or blog or some written materials that these future undergrads could us as a basis when they wanna write a thesis on Malay cultures and theatres… She said in us, we hold that wealth of experience, so why not share it to one day change the perception of the malay community towards arts and entertainment- It’s not just glamour, glitz and fame; it’s lots hard work and tears and sacrifices.

For me, I would like to see myself one day, finally being able to convince my parents that this is what I’m meant to do: it doesn’t pay THAT well for me to get a car or a bungalow, let alone a HDB flat; but still it is enough for me. And that I am lucky to be able to do what I am passionate about as a career…

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Gay= EXTRAVAGANT?



I love you Philip Morris- A film about a man named Steven Russell, who is happily married to Debbie, and a member of the local police force when a car accident provokes a dramatic reassessment of his life. Steven realizes he's gay and decides to live life to the fullest - even if it means breaking the law. Steven's new, extravagant lifestyle involves cons and fraud and, eventually, a stay in the State Penitentiary where he meets sensitive, soft-spoken Phillip Morris. His devotion to freeing Phillip from jail and building the perfect life together prompts Steven to attempt and often succeed at one impossible con after another.

I am sure by now (if you had been a frequent reader that is) you’d have this thought of “Oh, this is the part he is going to talk about himself. Quite true. I mean, the fact that I am writing about it in my blog is enough said about how much I really, really like this movie. So I am not going to go further with a review of it, cos there are gazillion reviews on the net anyway. Instead I should write to you, telling you how much it meant to me in.

The day that I truly find myself being a gay, I did not try to live my life to the fullest. But I can’t deny about the whole notion of gay life is equivalent to expensive lifestyles. Al those pre-requisite of looking good, and wearing something presentable (always) and gym till you wear have look like a Ken Doll. Gays make love like rabbits, or am I just speaking for myself? Whatever it is, it is just expensive, no matter how hard yopu try to argue around it. And you thought you could save a little money from all those non-existing school fees and nanny fees and tutions fees in your life. Pft…

But then I do realise something, that be it, straight, or bisexual or gay, whatever you choose to classify me back then and now, I tend to have a self destructive behaviour right after a break up. I don’t do slashing or drug overdose, mind you. Just harmless cough syrup to sleep. And lotsa sex with random strangers. And clubbing all week round. That was when I was still…erm…a little less matured. Now, with every life changing event, I would just sit by the beach and either ask myself why or what went wrong. Blaming the other party is never a habit for me. In that sense I am an introvert I guess?

Just for your info, I sat for this test of personality and my personality is ENFP- Extrovert, Intuition, Feeling and perspective. This means that I speak out loud based on my gut feelings and I always look on the flipside of a coin; I don’t go by the book--- Which of course drives a lot of corporate people crazy. And probably explains why I cannot work in the office in the first place.

And back to the movie, go and watch it! For a flat fee of 10/8/6 dollars (depending of where and when you watch the movie), you get lots of drama and warmth; totally worth the money! Oh yes, bring lots tissues with you as well…

Saturday, October 09, 2010

EAT PRAY LOVE


Eat, Pray, Love. Sounds like an autobiography of Adi Jamaludin. But then again, if it is my own autobiography, I would have changed it to Eat, Movies, Lan gaming, Love. Of course, if I were to write an autobiography of myself, I am not sure if it would ever make it to the shelves of any bookstores (they would cite unhealthy alternative lifestyle), much less spinned-off into a movie.

Eat, Pray, Love is about A married woman realizing how unhappy her marriage really is, and that her life needs to go in a different direction. After a painful divorce, she takes off on a round-the-world journey to "find herself". Liz Gilbert (Roberts) had everything a modern woman is supposed to dream of having - a husband, a house, a successful career - yet like so many others, she found herself lost, confused, and searching for what she really wanted in life. Newly divorced and at a crossroads, Gilbert steps out of her comfort zone, risking everything to change her life, embarking on a journey around the world that becomes a quest for self-discovery. In her travels, she discovers the true pleasure of nourishment by eating in Italy; the power of prayer in India, and, finally and unexpectedly, the inner peace and balance of true love in Bali. Written by Sony Pictures.

The thing I like about this movie is the way I find myself so able to relate with the Liz Gilbert. Two years ago, I was attached to this wonderful guy who had saved me from being blinded to the wonderful effects love has in one’s life. I was jaded back then, after failing like a gazillion relationships. I thought true love is like a unicorn; nothing but a myth.

It was all well at first. But as time goes on, I find our relationship became colder. It all started when he said that he was in a predicament. Yes. Such big word. I remembered staring into his eyes blankly and my only response was “What is a predicament?” And he treid to explain himself out, in a way that was too complicated for me to comprehend. So I asked him to cut to the chase, cos I know beneath all that fluff and big words, there is an underlying problem. And he cut to the chase and told me that he didn’t know what to do for my birthday. One eyar prior to this, he bought me a teddy bear and baked a homa-made brownie as a birthday cake for me. I was elated at the sight of the brownie he made for me; I was sure that iw as the happiest man on Earth. Fast forward to a year after that, he somehow had lost his muse and not know what to do for my birthday. IT reminded me of a radio commercial I heard recently which sounded like this;


Narrator: One month after marriage…
Wife: Darling, you’re home just in time. I have cooked the pasta that you liked so much!
Husband: Oh. Wow! That’s so sweet of you. I love you.
Wife: I love you too

Narrator: 6 months later…
Husband: IT’s been so long since I last had my favourite pasta, will you cook some tonight?
Wife: Erm… I’m feeling tired. Another time, okay?

Narrator: 1 year later
Husband: Honey, will you be cooking…
Wife: I am stre3ssed out today! Can you just buy home something to eat?!
Husband: But.. (wife hangs up the phone) Hello? Hello?

Narrator: Do something for your loved ones today…bla bla bla…

And of course, I knew back then that there was something fundamentally wrong with our relationship then. I mean, if you really love a person, of course, you wouldn’t feel weary of them, would you? I knew a break up is around the corner, but everytime, the thought crossed my head, I will tell myself, of how wonderful he is as a life partner. But one night, it struck me; those wonderful memories are things of the past. Lately, when I treid to think of all the wonderful experiences we shared, it was all from 6 months back. Lately, nothing has been pleasant. We quarrelled every night. And that is when, I thought, I had to move on, cos prolonging the relationship is just prolonging pain for both of us.

But still I was plagued with guilt. I mean two eyars we’ve been together, and now it’s like I suddenly gave up? I mean I have not been a perfect angel for him either. Thinking about it, I have been equally monstrous towards him, with all that verbal abuse that I flung at him. And I guess this is where my guilt stems from. The fact that I have been nasty towards him in the relationship. And the fact that I broke up w8ith him on facebook, was something really uncalled for, which I have been trying to seek forgiveness till this day.

So back to the movie, this woman, she felt just as guilty as I am. Throwing that fairy tale dreams that turned into something that is haunting; so haunting that she thought she had lost herself. I thought I had lost myself. She went to Bali to find relief; I went to Sentosa.

But the moral of the whole story is all about forgiving oneself. Cos the more you wait for the other party to forgive you, the more burdened you would feel. In time to come, he would forgive you and see that this is all part of HIS blueprint for your life…. (emergency exits included in all corners, but you’re not allowed to take that option).

Monday, September 27, 2010

Unlike Some People

The show went okay. I knew I could have done better, if I had picked up advices from different people like Mr Loke, Jonathan Lim, my EX (FARHAN), and erm, all the other teacher back in school: READ MORE, they would all say in unison. The problem in this production was that I ahd so much barrier in terms of language. Because of that, I was not able to get the idiosyncrasies and jokes that was so finely sewn on into the scripts and dialogues of each characters.

But that aside, on the last day during the matinee show, as I was looking for a friend who was supposed to watch the show, an auntie with her daughter came to me and told me that she enjoyed the show. I was quite taken aback that she actually brought her daughter along, since the show has so much vulgarities and all. But that wasn’t the reason I remembered her so well. Half way through the conversation, she said she needed to take her leave and she said “Aileen, say bye to uncle.” MY face changed from tat of a full fletched smile to a constipated smile (I learnt the subtle differences while putting up this show). I quickly said good bye to both of them and walked away thinking “FUCK! I need more moisturiser!”

Sunday, September 19, 2010

She made my day...



“If she has nightmares tonight, it’s because of me,” I said to my friend, before going to have some fun with his little girl.

“May I join you?” I asked the little girl as she was having her lunch. She glanced at me briefly, before completely ignoring me.

I sat myself down at the table, plotting my next move.

“Hmmm… I bet your name is… Claire!” I asked.

She looked up, beamed, and nodded her head.

Score!

It wasn’t long before she warmed up to me. I soon found out that she’s 6 this year, and she likes pink, and her favourite animal is the unicorn. And because she’s so cute, I successfully resisted the very strong urge to tell her about my favourite animal. (the dad was sitting beside me by then.)

The dad noticed that she was uncharacteristically friendly.

“Must be because gor gor (elder brother) is very handsome right?” he said to her.

She smiled shyly and nodded her head. The dad and I both laughed.

Such good taste at such a young age.

Just to confirm, I asked her again,

“Am I handsome?”

She nodded her head again.


-Taken from TinkerTailor

Monday, August 30, 2010



Took this off from JY's blog without her permission of course...

Harlie: One day, I may have to pay $10,000 worth of taxes loh...

Me: Will you still talk to me if you have to pay $10,000 to pay in taxes?

Harlie: What do you think I am, a snob?

Me: It's not a matter of whether you're a snob or not. It's a matter of whether you'll have the time next time...

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

IT has been such a long time…



….since I last wrote a composition, also now commonly referred to as fictional narrative. BUT, due to a new assignment that I have decided to undertake, I now have to reacquaint myself to writing composition again. And this time, it has to revolve around…. (drum rolls)

GLOBAL WARMING

And after 5 weeks of teaching students from this particular school, I was horrified to finally look at their final product. So I took the liberty to alter some of their works. The problem is, I am torn between making it sound flowery or straight to the point, but with an impact. And after much pondering, this is what most of their stories would sound like:

“Run! Run!” the crowd were screaming at the top of their lungs as they scattered
in search for a safe place away from the volcano.
Volcano eruptions have
been very frequent around the areas. It is probably due to global warming. The
change in climate must have completely changed the eruption patterns for these
volcanoes.
At that point of time, John and I were still sleeping in our
bunkers. He was wearing a flowery pyjama, while I was just wearing singlet and a
pair of shorts. Our hair was messy and greasy from the night training. We didn’t
have the energy left after the training, so we did not bother to wash our hair
before going to bed. I was awakened by the screams from the crowd. I woke up. I
felt groggy. I looked around. Something is unusual.
The smell of ashes was
strong as houses near our bunkers. I got up from my bed quickly. I rushed to my
window and looked in horror as nearby houses were slowly burnt down by hot lava.
The air in the bunkers began to get stuffy and hot.
I tried waking John up.
He didn’t move an inch. I had no choice but to carry him on my back. He was
heavy. I could barely run properly with him on my back. Still I struggled on to
get both of us out of the bunker. I continued running , trying my best to
concentrate on getting us to a safe place. I tried not to look back. Somehow I
knew that the lava would have reached the bunker and burnt everything down to
ashes slowly. My breath become heavier and slower as I slowly began to feel
exhausted. My knees were about to give way. “Just a few more meters,” I told
myself. The lava is still hot behind my heels. I tried to run faster. In my
head, I was thinking of all the ahppy times I had with John. I continued running
till I saw a high ground. I began my slow uphill climb. The lava still flowed
persistently behind me. The higher I get, somehow, the cooler I felt. When I
looked back, I realised that the lava is slowing down to a stop.
After
ensuring that we are both at a safe place, I dropped John on the ground. He woke
up. He looked dazed. He asked me what happened. I told him that I would narrate
the whole story to him, once I caught my breath. I collapsed to the ground as I
slowly tried to catch my breath. In front of me, the houses are all still
burning. I was just glad that we were both safe.


Funnily, I was glowing upon the completion of the stories…. I have no idea why.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

What have I learnt?



With every year of Ramadhan, I will try to look back and see how much I have grown. Apparently, not much. There are still too many things that I have failed to understand. Too many things that I thought I knew, but I don’t. Too many things that I thought I had it all figured out, but I wasn’t anywhere near.

I still remembered coming home almost every night, being on the verge of tears, feeling stupid. Months back, when Jonathan Lim was asking for suggestions on what to stage for the 2nd production of Young and Wild, I suggested that we should try to stage a play which deals heavily on relationships, thinking I would be able to ace it without much difficulty given the record of the many relationships/ flings/ dates that yours truly has been through. The keywords are “I thought”.

In actual fact, this 2nd production is one of the most challenging production that I have ever been in. As mentioned, things that I thought I knew turned out to be all wrong. I know no shit about having a relationship. It’s of no wonder that after two years, he wouldn’t want to hold back, when I said I wanna a break up.

Looking back, I guess I was the asshole in the relationship. Yes, I cried foul, saying that he was focusing too much on his work, and I felt that the relationship is getting cold. On the flip side of things, could I have been too clingy?

I still remembered snapping at him on many occasions, just because he failed to text me. Couldn’t I have closed an eye to that?

I still remembered snapping at him cos he changed our plans at the last minute, and that we had to change vacation plans. Couldn’t I have just re-arranged the plans? After all, if we were planning to have a lifetime relationship, we would have many more years with each other to carry out our vacation plans, no?

I still remembered snapping at him on so many occasions, most of which I don’t even have a good reason to be snapping. I could have tried to just be a little more understanding.

I don’t wish for a patch up. I just wished he would listen to me, when I said I’m sorry… Cos I really mean it this time…

Now that I am given a new chance to be in love again, I told myself, treat this as a new experience …totally…no comparisons, cos no two persons are the same. Just like in drama trainings, every class/ productions, you learn new things. You just need to be open to situations, and re-act accordingly.

Friday, August 20, 2010

Character Flaws



I am listing all the flaws that I have…

. too big an ego ( I quote an ex saying “If the world is put next to your ego, the world would look so small”)

. always want to prove that I am right, and could never come to terms with the fact that there are times that I can be wrong

. always tend to be very competitive

.very clingy

. always feeling insecure of the his other half

. can be quite a workaholic

. have a hard time coming to terms with adjusted plans

…one might wonder, if I ever would make a good boyfriend.

I hope I could be one to Alex Chai Su Haw.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

The Journey through the Yellow Bricks to meet Oz for Inspiration- 25 ways to get over your EX!



Okay. I lied. There is actually no mentioning of Oz in this post. I just thought I should try to SOUND clever, but now reading the title makes me cringe. It sounded like a constipated inspiration; you just try to force it out. 24 hours. 8 hours down. And I am still not anywhere near to writing an introduction/ a first line to my script. I see Harlie writing furiously. JY, walking about in search of that perfect strategy/ plot to write her script. Me. I’m just busy on Facebook, and catching up on sleep. And once in awhile I will distract JY with one of my mindless drama games, such as, imagine you’re a writer who is about to write a book entitled “Getting Over Your Ex 101”, and you are writing it in 25 chapters, each one describing one way to get over your EX, what would the 25 ways be?

And so here is the list that we both come up with (no prize for guessing which one is from yours truly):

1. Sticking his/ her pictures on a dartboard and throw darts on the pictures.

2. Listen to angry songs like “So What?” by Pink or “You Oughta Know” by Alanis Morissette. (Did I get her name right?)

3. Have sex with somebody else.

4. Brag about how some guys/ girls are splurging on you via Facebook, MySpace or Blog.

5. Throw all things that belong to/remind you of your EX.

6. Delete pictures from laptop, but keep it in some remote hard drive where you won’t access so much.

7. Write witty lines of your won against your EX/ feelings for your EX. And then produce it into a song, and make millions from it.

8. Tell your friends dirty little secrets about your EX. E.g. he has small penis or lose asshole/ vagina (whichever floats your boat)

9. If #8 fails to make you happy, you can go ahead and share these secrets with his/her parents or colleagues or Boss, via email, Facebook, etc. Be CREATIVE in your ways!

10. Starve yourself, so you will look better than your EX

11. Do the things that your EX hate about you. E.g. Use non-approved words such as Cunt and or Lan Jiao!

12. Hire an ASSASSIN.

13. If you don’t have a budget for #12, you can always DIY—Cheap knives and poisons available at your nearest convenience stores.

14. Team up with a friend who is assigned to woo your EX and then break his/her heart about a month later. After the success, remember to not celebrate it over popcorn or drinks: Remember #10

15. Run him/ her over with a car, or any vehicles. Bicycles and trolleys included.

16. Blame it on the gender/ race. E.g. Fuck ALL the WOMEN in the world kinda attitude.

17. Psych yourself to think that you are the one dumping him/her.

18. Seduce his best friend/ siblings/ Boss or worst- come- to- worst, his/ her FATHER or MOTHER. You can also include uncles, aunts, grandfather or grandmother if necessary.

19. Hack into his email/ Facebook and send random messages to his circle of connections. It need not be nasty emails. It CAN be a nice email, professing “his/ her non-existent love”.

20. Start being chummy with people he hates.

21. Throw his possessions into dumpster/ sea/ ocean. The sea and ocean is not recommended though, cos it is not environmentally friendly, and those fish/ sea creatures did nothing to deserve to be part of the hell treatment.

22. Kidnap your EX and float him/ her on a sampan/ canoe to some random islands, and hope he/she is badly burnt before he/she reaches an island. And then gets bitten by 100 of mosquitoes.

23. Torture him/ her. Be sadistic. This WILL NOT WORK if your EX has a fetish for BDSM though.

24. Go back in time and stop his mother from conceiving him/her, ala TERMINATOR.

25. TREAT HIM/HER LIKE A TOTAL STRANGER, and soon enough they will become a stranger to you.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Suicide



I was reading an entry by Jiayuan on suicide, and she has this wonderful quote from a writer about suicide:

"It was ironic, really - you want to die because you can't be bothered to go on living - but then you're expected to get all energetic and move furniture and stand on chairs and hoist ropes and do complicated knots and attach things to other things and kick stools from under you and mess around with hot baths and razor blades and extension cords and electrical appliances and weedkiller. Suicide was a complicated, demanding business, often involving visits to hardware shops.

And if you've managed to drag yourself from the bed and go down the road to the garden center or the drug store, by then the worst is over. At that point you might as well just go to work."


— Marian Keyes (Lucy Sullivan Is Getting Married)

And it sets me thinking of the things that you could do to yourself to have a quick ending, and the consequences of it;

* Jump- off a building – This is a selfish act. Imagine the cleaners having to clean up the splattered brain and the spilled out inert and the violent splashed of shit.

* Jump onto an MRT track – Same as the above PLUS you disrupt other people’s life, by disrupting the train service, and disrupting company’s productivity (cos workers arrive late), and disrupting the nation’s economy (company not doing so well, due to productivity level being affected), and totally taint the nation’s reputation (cos people will now not only think we are prone to flooding, they will also think it is stressful to live here, and foreign country might not want to even invest in our nation).

* Slit your wrist – think of the stain you will leave on the bed sheet; the owner might not appreciate it.

* Poison, hanging yourself – refer to the excerpt from above.

* Drown yourself – It’s not environment friendly, ESPECIALLY in SINGAPORE, cos we have limited water supply.

* Hold your breath till your lungs burst and your brain cells die – The most recommended.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

After reading Harlie's blog, I have decided to enter one of my entry on the "I Write Like" analyzer and got David Foster Wallace.

I have no idea who he is, but decided to check on him, and found that...

he wrote books that i have not read at all.... sigh.

24 hour playwright competition is around the corner. JY is researching. Harlie's been practicing. I've been lazing.

Am goona just partaaaay there! Can't wait.

p.s: this entry sounds bimbotic, but read it once again, you can see lotsa contents in between the lines. I am gonna be a David Foster Wallace. So don't doubt me! ROAR!

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Things that I took for granted



I cried. Wait. Not really cry. Erm… tear up. Yes. That is more accurate. I tear up when I read this from a friend’s blog;

I remembered you dropped by my workplace with the richest chocolate cake and greeted me "Happy Birthday" 6 months after my birthday. My then colleagues had left the office, so you ate some of the cake with me.

I would have never imagined this friend to remember such small gesture. Even my parents don’t seem to remember my good sides. But somehow, she does, and even blogged about it. I was touched beyond words. So I decided to do a little spin off for her. And it goes something like this;

Dear friend, I remembered you providing me a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on, when I broke up with my first EX-bf. I remembered you lending me your laptop when my laptop crashed two weeks before my final year project is due.

I also remember how you tried your darn-est to reconcile things between me and a director friend back in poly. I remember how you always offered me food back then when I didn’t have the money to feed myself. I remembered you spending hours on your laptop to help troubleshoot a problematic html code that I didn’t manage to solve.

I remembered you telling me jokes to cheer me up when I am depressed. I remembered you giving me a hug whenever I cried cos things don’t go according to the way I planned them. I remembered the many times that we used to quarrel—most of them are petty small stuffs. I was (maybe still am) petty.

I remembered you telling me to look on the bright side when I cried and told you about my last break up. I remembered you telling me that nowadays, you only get to know about my life through my blog...and I was thinking to myself “oh my god! Have we sunk to that low a level in our communication? Don’t we communicate anymore.”

And I realised that it was my fault. I was too busy. Always on the run. Always chasing my own dreams. And I forgot things that really mattered to me.

And I am sorry for that.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

It all started from a morning fire



Setting: Outside a primary school. Andrew was walking out of a primary school. He met a teacher, who happened to be his ex’s close friend( Let’s call her R). They talked.

R: Eh… What are you doing here?

Andrew: I was just teaching one of the class. (tries to remember which class exactly, but failed). It’s a young journalism course.

R: Financial course?

Andrew: Erm… No. Some composition thingy.

R: Ah.

Andrew: Okie. See you around.

Andrew checks his handphone. 3 missed calls—--all from mum. He called her. She picks up.

Andrew: You called?

Mum: Did you try to burn the house down?

Andrew: What?

Mum: I woke up, and I saw the whole dish rack was blackened!

Andrew: I tried to warm up the goring pisang, and the pan caught fire. And then I took the pan and threw it into the sink. And I turned on the tap after that and…

Mum: And you put water to the burning pan?! Asal kau bodoh?! The fire become big lah like that! Aiyoh! The older you get, the more nonsensical things you do!

Andrew: I didn’t do it on purpose. It just happened.

Mum: And then after do all these nonsensical things, never want to admit.

Andrew: Didn’t I just explain to you what I DID in the morning?

Mum: I am not just referring to today lah! Everytime you do something stupid, where you got want to admit?! If I never found out for myself…

Andrew: What did I not admit to?

Mum: A lot of things lah…

Andrew: I am sick and tired of you saying that I never admit to my wrong doings! So now out with it! What wrong did I do that I never admit to?

Mum: A LOT OF THINGS!

Andrew: LIKE WHAT?!

Mum: DON’T YOU DARE RAISE YOUR VOICE AT…

Andrew: I WANT TO KNOW WHAT EXACTLY DID I DO THAT…

Mum: DON’T THINK I DON’T KNOW THAT YOU HAVE BEEN HAVING RELATIONSHIP WITH GUYS! DON’T THINK I DON’T KNOW THAT YOU HAVE BEEN HAVING SEX WITH GUYS!

Silence.

Andrew: I have been telling you “NO. I AM NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH A GUY!” But you still pushed on and insisted that I did. So now I am going to tell you straight; YES! I AM HAVING A RELATIONSHIP! So now what? Are you happy to finally hear the answer that you have always wanted to hear, huh? Are you happy now?!

Mum: You just love it when I no longer talk to you, right?

Andrew: YES. I LOVE IT!

Mum: You are just waiting for the opportunity when you no longer have to deal with me…?

Andrew: YES. VERY MUCH IN LOVE WITH IT…

Mum: That’s why for the longest time, you have been wanting to move out, right?

The nest few dialogues sequence happened simultaneously. Both characters just speak their lines, not listening to the other at all.

Mum: Andrew Daud Kobat, you listen here. For the past 28 years, I have always tolerated your behaviour. I carried you in my womb for 9 months. Have you ever asked me how difficult it was to give birth to you?! Have you ever spare a thought for your mother who is unwell right now, and might even die in the next few minutes? Yet, you don’t care. You just do as you please. Like your family don’t even exist anymore! You just shut up! I am sick of listening to you already! Listen to me! Shut up I say! Shut up! I say… (mum hangs up the phone)

Andrew: Yes. I have always wanted to move out cos I don’t find any point in staying at all. Would you care if I were to get hurt when the pan caught fire? No! all you cared for is the dish rack that you bought from DAISO that costs you $2. I could have caught fire and just die, and you wouldn’t even care. So tell me, what is the point of me staying in the same house as you…Hello?

Andrew sat down on the curb. Cars passed by. It was raining. He stared blankly.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Let’s talk about security…AGAIN.


Talking about security… I wanna talk about the something that I found was fundamentally wrong with me during the relationship. I was insecure. That was the root to the problem. I thought about it.

When Farhan and yours truly was dating back then. From September till November, everything was smooth sailing. Cos we both just simply do not put any expectation to one another. We meet only when both of us are free to meet. It is just a coincident that he was working so nearby, that we managed to meet almost every day. On the 11th November, we just finished watching AvenueQ in the Espalanade. We then met up a common friend for supper. Side note: this si the same common friend that match made us. During supper, the friend asked an awkward question: Are you guys together yet? Both of us didn’t give a clear answer. Cos we both didn’t really know how to describe the stage we were both in.

Next day, I asked to meet him for a drink at StarbuckS One Fullerton. Then I popped the question, of why he was unsure on what to answer when the friend popped the question the day before. Needless to say, he turned back at me and asked me the same question as part of his answer. So, I told him that is because I wasn’t sure if we are together yet. Cos there are so many things to consider. And this was how the conversation went that night(more or less, according to what I remember)…

Adi: So how come you didn’t know what to answer?

Farhan: I don’t know. You didn’t seem sure yourself? So why is that Adi?

Adi: I like us being together. And I wouldn’t want it to change. I guess I’m scared of losing what we have right now?

Farhan: you read my mind.

Adi: I am scared that once we are in a relationship, everything will change. I am scared of the expectations that come with it.

Farhan: Okay.

Adi: but then again, I know somewhere inside I have fallen for you, and if I don’t make the move, someone else might just make the move on you, and then I will still lose you. So you know what? Next time, if anyone asks you if we are attached, just say yes. You are attached to me.

And that was it. Farhan used to tell everyone that I didn’t even propose. In fact I didn’t even ask. I just exert that he was mine.

But that incident just made it clear what was flawed with me. When I said that I was afraid that I might not be able to meet up his expectations, I guess I meant to say I was afraid that I WAS THE ONE who would set high expectations in the relationship. Expectations that has led me to my own depression. Expectations that have caused us so much tension. That is my flaw in every relationship. Oh god! I am so fucking useless in relationships!

Monday, July 05, 2010

A picture that floods memory bank






Someone tagged this picture on my facebook today. It was taken like a couple of years back. when I looked at it, my only comment was, “God! I used to be that thin!”

I miss that body. I miss that defined jaw line. I may sound superficial to you now. Let me finish my line before you judge. Of all the things that I miss most was my old self.

There was once upon a time, I was very much like this frozen tower. Nothing alive could come near me. I was that GUARDED. Loneliness isn’t something that I was afraid of.

I could do anything on my own. I could eat alone. Watch movies alone. Even talk to myself, when I am alone. It was this time, that I felt that I don’t need anybody. I can live on my own. I have my own life in my hand.

I miss that moment. I was independent. I was strong. I was never fragile. If you try to hurt me, I will pay back 10 folds; out of generosity, I would say.

I miss me….

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

How do you know if you’re in love?


Sometimes knowing if you are in love is hard, especially if it is your first time. Here are eighteen ways to tell if you are falling in love which I obtained from the internet.
1. You are comfortable. and secure in your relationship. You trust that your partner won’t hurt you and there is no need of suspicion or jealousy.
2. You have remained together through good times and bad.
3. Thoughtful things are done just because it makes both of you feel good.
4. Neither of you make sacrifices, only compromises.
5. Your significant other has told you of their deep feelings, and they are returned.
6. Your affections for your partner make you feel special and good about yourself.
7. When there is a fight, you usually make up after only a few hours and agree that nothing is more important than both of you expressing your true feelings, even if they cause conflict.
8. You and your partner feel no need to test each others feelings or loyalties.
9. You can be yourself when with your partner more so than anyone else.
10. You’ve forgotten your ex.
11. You can’t stop thinking about your partner.
12. You care about your significant other more than anything.
13. You find your partners quirks charming.
14. You have great chemistry.
15. You don’t notice others as much.
16. You love spending time together.
17. Other priorities take a backseat.
18. You start thinking about your future together.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Who am I?



Isn’t it such a cliché, seemingly easy question to answer? Truth be told, I am still seeking the answer to this question. And just when I thought I was the only one to be asking this, the rcent course that I went for proved me wrong.

In the middle of the course, the lecturer popped the question; Who am I?

Many attempted to answer the question. Needless to say, there were many variations to answer this question. Some attempted to cut pieces of pictures from magazines and told the rest that those pictures represent them. Some crumpled papers, formed shapes using papers to represent them. There were many explanations to this little creation in the attempt to answer the deceivingly simple question: Who am I? And these are the ones that stick in my mind

1. In life, I always tried to make do with what I was given. Nothing is too simple, up to the point that it cannot be used. Bad experience, good experience, I tried to learn from them .I think in life, one must be humble enough to accept things as they are. And that is what I am.- quoted from Raimy.

2. I make this empty shape with this paper. I didn’t really think what I wanted to do with it. I just kept folding until I get this shape. I guess that is who I am in life. I don’t usually look at the end, I just go through the process, and make the end destination a surprise. That is what I seek in life. The chance to be surprised. That is who I am.- Janice

3. Life is confusion. I am confused, and therefore, I pieced these things together, without planning any forms or shapes. Cos I never planned for the future. I am still quite confused as to what I want in life- Quoted from Sing

And last but not least, a quote from your truly,

“I am still stumped whenever I am asked this question. To me, this is no one definition to it. People always change; every minute, every second. One moment, you’re happy, and the next moment, you’re sad. Each different moment, you’re a different person. To make matter worst, there are times, when you tried to mask things to appear to be something you’re not. I am always guilty of that, you know; trying to appear confident, when I am all insecure inside; trying to appear all knowing when I have no idea to what I was doing; trying to appear fine when I am hurting inside. You know what I mean.

And thus, I can never quite answer the question as to who am I? That is if, I try to micro manage everything and look too closely to details.

But I guess, if one learns to look at the bigger picture, he/ she will realise that those are the different facets and parts that makes him/her a person. The insecurity, hurt, appearing confident, appearing fine- those are all parts of me, as a person. I am who I am. It just takes a little bit of time, to uncover all parts of me”.

And speaking of looking at the big pictures, and make do with what you currently have, I realised that even after numerous break ups and 28 years of living, I usually failed in these two areas. I still remember being all upset in the flyer at the start of this year. I pulled a long face when we missed the fireworks, even though he was trying his best to make do of what we currently have.

Sweet, if you’re reading this, I just want you to know that I am sorry. I screwed up. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I love you so much. Please be mine again…

Monday, June 14, 2010

Translated version of Kids say the darn(est) things, so do ADULTS



Setting: In Jurong Point. Adi and Hairul was walking around. About close to 11pm.



Hairul: Adi, your type.

Adi: Which one?

Hairul: That Chinese boy; you like Chinese boy what?

Adi: Where got?

Hairul: But you like the decent Chinese boyt type right?

Adi: Babe, that one your favourite.

Hairul: Where?

Adi: The one at the counter.

Hairul: (disgust) Eek! Adi! I don’t want eh! So hariy!

Adi: How you know?

Hairul: you looka this arm, so hairy! Usually this type, the dick is hairy but small!

The girl in front of us turned around, glared and went to make her order to the hariy manger at the counter.

Adi: She understands Malay lah sial!

Friday, June 11, 2010

Kids say the darn(est) things, so do ADULTS



Setting: In Jurong Point. Adi and Hairul was walking around. About close to 11pm.

Hairul: Eh. Adi kau nyer type, 3 o’clock.

Adi: Yang mana sak?

Hairul: Yang sana Cina tu lah. Kau kan suka budak budak Cina.

Adi: (laughs)Mana ader sak?

Hairul: Tapi kau suka kan muka masa decent decent nyer kan?

Adi: Beb. Tu kau nyer favourite.

Hairul: Maner?

Adi: Tu yang kat counter tu.

Hairul: (disgust) Eek! Adi! Aku tak nak eh! Yang tu mesti semua berbulu.

Adi: Macam maner kau tahu?

Hairul: Kau tengok ah tangan dier, berbulu siyol. Confirm kalau macam gini kan, konek berbulu tebal, tapi konek kecik.

The girl in front of us turned around, glared and went to make her order to the hariy manger at the counter.

Adi: Dia melayu lah sial.

Monday, June 07, 2010

Did the Angels Cry for us?



I wonder if the angels cried for us
When we part on that very morning
It seems to be raining every other day
since the time when we said goodbye

I thought I knew what I was doing
I thought I'd made the right move
But why does it hurt so much
to see you walked away without looking back

As the cliches went on
No sparks could fly from just one stone
No sound could reverbrate from just one hand
I wouldn't be able to make it through without you

My world was serene with you by my side
There is the occassional storm now and then
but we have always been able to weather it through
we made it good for the past two years, we did

I don't know what went wrong
what used to feel right,
now that feeling's gone.
I'm feeling miserable,
when i should have felt joy
My chest feels heavy
and i couldn't breathe
How ironic it is
since now that i have space
I wish you were here
to fill up my life
I'm missing your embrace,
I'm missing your kisses,
I'm missing your warmth
Baby, i miss you.





Angels Cry- Mariah Carey, feat Ne-Yo

I shouldn't have walked away
I would've stayed if you say
We could've made
Everything ok
But we just

Threw the blame back and forth
We treated love like a sport
The final blow hit so low
I'm still on the ground

I couldn't have prepared myself for this fall
Shattered in pieces curled on the floor
Supernatural love conquers all
'Member we used to touch the sky
And

Lightning don't strike
The same place twice
When you and I
Said goodbye
I felt the angels cry

True love's a gift
But we let it drift
In a storm
Every night
I feel the angels cry

C'mon babe can't our love be revived
Bring it back and we gon' make it right
I'm on the edge just tryin' to survive
As the angels cry

I thought we were forever and always
You were serenity, you took out the bad days
No one treated you right, but it was okay
I did something stupid, and you'd still stay with me
But you could only call for so long
During the one you claim love's rung
Before too much is enough
you look up and find your love's gone

And we were so good together
How come we could not weather
This storm, it';s just too bad
But why did we say goodbye


Cause lightning don't strike
The same place twice
When you and I
Said goodbye
I felt the angels cry
True love's a gift
But we let it drift
In a storm
Every night
I feel the angels cry

Come on baby can our love be revived
Bring it back and we're gon' make it right
I'm on the edge just trying to survive
As the angels cry

Baby I'm missin' you - I..
Don't allow love to lose - don't let our love
We gotta ride it through - uu
I'm reaching for you - baby im missing you

Baby I'm missin' you - u
Don't allow love to lose - u
We gotta ride it through - we gonna ride
I'm reaching for you - hey and i' promise youu

Lightning don't strike
The same place twice
When you and I
Said goodbye
Felt the angels cry

True love's a gift
But we let it slip
In a storm
Every night
I feel the angels cry

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Love till it blinded me...



I used to think that
Love is all I ever needed
From you
From you and
From no one else.

I’d given the world
I’d given the sun
I’d given the moon and the stars and
Whatever that you needed to
Just stay beside me

How did it happen
I haven’t had a clue
It was gone
Just as mysteriously as it appeared
All that lovin
Now gone, gone
Missing, missing,
And I haven’t got a clue
Till one day, I found myself
Missing you and only you.


then i woke up, and i realised...

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Letter unsent- to MUM



Dear Mum,
I don’t know how to say this to you. I know that deep inside I am never a perfect son. And I know I would never be able to. No matter how much I tried and try. There will always be that single thing that you will never be happy about.

I want to tell you how much it hurts everytime you say that I am the one son you can never depend on. I want to tell you so much about how I tried. I want to tell you how much I am sorry for not being able to be what you want me to be. I wanted to tell you how much I am sorry for being such a disappointment. I am sorry for the hurt I have caused you, for treating you like shit, for never be able to see of all the blessings that came my way cause of your rpayers.

But most importantly, I wanted to tell you that I love you, for being there always, no matter how much you know of the fact that I can never be perfect. I really wanted to tell you that I love you.

But I forgot how to….

Tuesday, May 04, 2010

Taken from an email:

These days, the way that I sleep simply says, "I am happy to be single and spending five to seven hours sprawled out in the center of my bed alone."

At other points, my tightly squeezed eyes and curled-up body would have screamed, "I know the baby will wake up/someone will start snoring/the alarm will begin blaring as soon as I finally, finally, finally get to sleep."

Years and years ago, the corpse-looking college student still in her clothes would have mumbled something like, "Finals. Boys. Beer."

Our lives, the amount of sleep we get, and how well we actually rest during those nighttime hours may change drastically over time. However, one sleep researcher says that our body position in bed could say something about who we are, not just what else is happening in our lives.

Professor Chris Idzikowski, director of the Sleep Assessment and Advisory Service, says that a study of 1,000 Brits revealed that the six most common sleeping positions are indicative of personality types.

If this sounds ridiculous (and honestly, I'd love to see information on this study and the analysis fleshed out further than any of the reports I could find), consider that Idzikowski says it comes down to body language.

"We are all aware of our body language when we are awake but this is the first time we have been able to see what our subconscious posture says about us," Idzikowski said. "What's interesting is that the profile behind the posture is often very different from what we would expect."

The research also links certain sleeping positions with health risks. Some aid digestion while others spur on snoring and restlessness.

Here are the six common sleeping positions and correlated personality traits and health implications, according to this study.




Fetus position - A whopping 41% of participants sleep in this curled-up manner. Women are twice as likely to rest like this and it is listed as the most common position. These sleepers are said to have a tough exterior but are still sensitive and may appear to be shy but warm up quickly.
Log position - If you sleep on your side with both arms down, you are a social, easy-going person who is trusting, sometimes to the point of being gullible. The study showed 15% of people sleep like a log.
Yearner position - A close third is the side-lying position with both arms out in front of the body, with 13% of partipants sleeping like this. Yearners are noted to be open-minded and still cynical, suspicious, and stubborn about sticking to decisions once they are made.
Soldier position - These sleepers lie on their backs with arms down and kept close to the body. This 8% study is said to be reserved, quiet, without fuss, and hold themselves and others to a high standard. Soldier sleepers have a higher likelihood for snoring due to the flat-back position, which may not cause them to wake up often but may result in a less restful night's sleep.
Freefall position - Those people who lie on their bellies with arms under or wrapped around a pillow with head turned to the side, make up 7% of the population studied. Freefallers are brash, outgoing, and are very uncomfortable with criticism.
Starfish position - Sleepers who lie on their backs with arms up near their head or the pillow account for 5% of participants. These people are good listeners, helpful, and are uncomfortable being the center of attention. People who sleep in starfish position are more likely to snore and to suffer from a poor night's sleep more often.
If you think you are one of those people who move through all of these positions, that's not likely to really be the case. Idzikowski said the research reveals most people stay in the same position all night and only 5% lay differently night by night. Also interesting is that the study showed only one in ten people cover their bodies entirely with a blanket, with most people exposing an arm, leg, or both feet.

Saturday, May 01, 2010

Random



First of all, thank god, blogspot is a very generous website/webhost. After such a long absence from blogging, they still kept my page, AND did not delete a single part of it. So, thank you blogspot.

There have been a lot of times, after reading a book, I look forward to reading another piece of that same author's work. And to my dismay, that same author did not write any more books until a few years later.

Now I understand. There will be times, when you feel that suddenly you ran out of words to say/ write. It's not that you don't know what to write. In fact, you do know what to write. It's all in your head. But somehow, when you try to express it out, the words don't do the thoughts justice. The sentence structure seems off. And you think really hard for a very long period of time, and somehow, things just don't click the way it should. It doesn't sound as nice or feel as right as your previous writings. For a very long time, you try to express these thoughts out, until you finally burnt out/ give up.

And then you didn't visit these thoughts for a very long time. You let them die, or rather you let them remained frozen in one corner of your mind, until one day, they cathc you by surprise so great that it jolts you to take up the pieces again...