Saturday, July 24, 2010

The Journey through the Yellow Bricks to meet Oz for Inspiration- 25 ways to get over your EX!



Okay. I lied. There is actually no mentioning of Oz in this post. I just thought I should try to SOUND clever, but now reading the title makes me cringe. It sounded like a constipated inspiration; you just try to force it out. 24 hours. 8 hours down. And I am still not anywhere near to writing an introduction/ a first line to my script. I see Harlie writing furiously. JY, walking about in search of that perfect strategy/ plot to write her script. Me. I’m just busy on Facebook, and catching up on sleep. And once in awhile I will distract JY with one of my mindless drama games, such as, imagine you’re a writer who is about to write a book entitled “Getting Over Your Ex 101”, and you are writing it in 25 chapters, each one describing one way to get over your EX, what would the 25 ways be?

And so here is the list that we both come up with (no prize for guessing which one is from yours truly):

1. Sticking his/ her pictures on a dartboard and throw darts on the pictures.

2. Listen to angry songs like “So What?” by Pink or “You Oughta Know” by Alanis Morissette. (Did I get her name right?)

3. Have sex with somebody else.

4. Brag about how some guys/ girls are splurging on you via Facebook, MySpace or Blog.

5. Throw all things that belong to/remind you of your EX.

6. Delete pictures from laptop, but keep it in some remote hard drive where you won’t access so much.

7. Write witty lines of your won against your EX/ feelings for your EX. And then produce it into a song, and make millions from it.

8. Tell your friends dirty little secrets about your EX. E.g. he has small penis or lose asshole/ vagina (whichever floats your boat)

9. If #8 fails to make you happy, you can go ahead and share these secrets with his/her parents or colleagues or Boss, via email, Facebook, etc. Be CREATIVE in your ways!

10. Starve yourself, so you will look better than your EX

11. Do the things that your EX hate about you. E.g. Use non-approved words such as Cunt and or Lan Jiao!

12. Hire an ASSASSIN.

13. If you don’t have a budget for #12, you can always DIY—Cheap knives and poisons available at your nearest convenience stores.

14. Team up with a friend who is assigned to woo your EX and then break his/her heart about a month later. After the success, remember to not celebrate it over popcorn or drinks: Remember #10

15. Run him/ her over with a car, or any vehicles. Bicycles and trolleys included.

16. Blame it on the gender/ race. E.g. Fuck ALL the WOMEN in the world kinda attitude.

17. Psych yourself to think that you are the one dumping him/her.

18. Seduce his best friend/ siblings/ Boss or worst- come- to- worst, his/ her FATHER or MOTHER. You can also include uncles, aunts, grandfather or grandmother if necessary.

19. Hack into his email/ Facebook and send random messages to his circle of connections. It need not be nasty emails. It CAN be a nice email, professing “his/ her non-existent love”.

20. Start being chummy with people he hates.

21. Throw his possessions into dumpster/ sea/ ocean. The sea and ocean is not recommended though, cos it is not environmentally friendly, and those fish/ sea creatures did nothing to deserve to be part of the hell treatment.

22. Kidnap your EX and float him/ her on a sampan/ canoe to some random islands, and hope he/she is badly burnt before he/she reaches an island. And then gets bitten by 100 of mosquitoes.

23. Torture him/ her. Be sadistic. This WILL NOT WORK if your EX has a fetish for BDSM though.

24. Go back in time and stop his mother from conceiving him/her, ala TERMINATOR.

25. TREAT HIM/HER LIKE A TOTAL STRANGER, and soon enough they will become a stranger to you.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Suicide



I was reading an entry by Jiayuan on suicide, and she has this wonderful quote from a writer about suicide:

"It was ironic, really - you want to die because you can't be bothered to go on living - but then you're expected to get all energetic and move furniture and stand on chairs and hoist ropes and do complicated knots and attach things to other things and kick stools from under you and mess around with hot baths and razor blades and extension cords and electrical appliances and weedkiller. Suicide was a complicated, demanding business, often involving visits to hardware shops.

And if you've managed to drag yourself from the bed and go down the road to the garden center or the drug store, by then the worst is over. At that point you might as well just go to work."


— Marian Keyes (Lucy Sullivan Is Getting Married)

And it sets me thinking of the things that you could do to yourself to have a quick ending, and the consequences of it;

* Jump- off a building – This is a selfish act. Imagine the cleaners having to clean up the splattered brain and the spilled out inert and the violent splashed of shit.

* Jump onto an MRT track – Same as the above PLUS you disrupt other people’s life, by disrupting the train service, and disrupting company’s productivity (cos workers arrive late), and disrupting the nation’s economy (company not doing so well, due to productivity level being affected), and totally taint the nation’s reputation (cos people will now not only think we are prone to flooding, they will also think it is stressful to live here, and foreign country might not want to even invest in our nation).

* Slit your wrist – think of the stain you will leave on the bed sheet; the owner might not appreciate it.

* Poison, hanging yourself – refer to the excerpt from above.

* Drown yourself – It’s not environment friendly, ESPECIALLY in SINGAPORE, cos we have limited water supply.

* Hold your breath till your lungs burst and your brain cells die – The most recommended.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

After reading Harlie's blog, I have decided to enter one of my entry on the "I Write Like" analyzer and got David Foster Wallace.

I have no idea who he is, but decided to check on him, and found that...

he wrote books that i have not read at all.... sigh.

24 hour playwright competition is around the corner. JY is researching. Harlie's been practicing. I've been lazing.

Am goona just partaaaay there! Can't wait.

p.s: this entry sounds bimbotic, but read it once again, you can see lotsa contents in between the lines. I am gonna be a David Foster Wallace. So don't doubt me! ROAR!

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Things that I took for granted



I cried. Wait. Not really cry. Erm… tear up. Yes. That is more accurate. I tear up when I read this from a friend’s blog;

I remembered you dropped by my workplace with the richest chocolate cake and greeted me "Happy Birthday" 6 months after my birthday. My then colleagues had left the office, so you ate some of the cake with me.

I would have never imagined this friend to remember such small gesture. Even my parents don’t seem to remember my good sides. But somehow, she does, and even blogged about it. I was touched beyond words. So I decided to do a little spin off for her. And it goes something like this;

Dear friend, I remembered you providing me a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on, when I broke up with my first EX-bf. I remembered you lending me your laptop when my laptop crashed two weeks before my final year project is due.

I also remember how you tried your darn-est to reconcile things between me and a director friend back in poly. I remember how you always offered me food back then when I didn’t have the money to feed myself. I remembered you spending hours on your laptop to help troubleshoot a problematic html code that I didn’t manage to solve.

I remembered you telling me jokes to cheer me up when I am depressed. I remembered you giving me a hug whenever I cried cos things don’t go according to the way I planned them. I remembered the many times that we used to quarrel—most of them are petty small stuffs. I was (maybe still am) petty.

I remembered you telling me to look on the bright side when I cried and told you about my last break up. I remembered you telling me that nowadays, you only get to know about my life through my blog...and I was thinking to myself “oh my god! Have we sunk to that low a level in our communication? Don’t we communicate anymore.”

And I realised that it was my fault. I was too busy. Always on the run. Always chasing my own dreams. And I forgot things that really mattered to me.

And I am sorry for that.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

It all started from a morning fire



Setting: Outside a primary school. Andrew was walking out of a primary school. He met a teacher, who happened to be his ex’s close friend( Let’s call her R). They talked.

R: Eh… What are you doing here?

Andrew: I was just teaching one of the class. (tries to remember which class exactly, but failed). It’s a young journalism course.

R: Financial course?

Andrew: Erm… No. Some composition thingy.

R: Ah.

Andrew: Okie. See you around.

Andrew checks his handphone. 3 missed calls—--all from mum. He called her. She picks up.

Andrew: You called?

Mum: Did you try to burn the house down?

Andrew: What?

Mum: I woke up, and I saw the whole dish rack was blackened!

Andrew: I tried to warm up the goring pisang, and the pan caught fire. And then I took the pan and threw it into the sink. And I turned on the tap after that and…

Mum: And you put water to the burning pan?! Asal kau bodoh?! The fire become big lah like that! Aiyoh! The older you get, the more nonsensical things you do!

Andrew: I didn’t do it on purpose. It just happened.

Mum: And then after do all these nonsensical things, never want to admit.

Andrew: Didn’t I just explain to you what I DID in the morning?

Mum: I am not just referring to today lah! Everytime you do something stupid, where you got want to admit?! If I never found out for myself…

Andrew: What did I not admit to?

Mum: A lot of things lah…

Andrew: I am sick and tired of you saying that I never admit to my wrong doings! So now out with it! What wrong did I do that I never admit to?

Mum: A LOT OF THINGS!

Andrew: LIKE WHAT?!

Mum: DON’T YOU DARE RAISE YOUR VOICE AT…

Andrew: I WANT TO KNOW WHAT EXACTLY DID I DO THAT…

Mum: DON’T THINK I DON’T KNOW THAT YOU HAVE BEEN HAVING RELATIONSHIP WITH GUYS! DON’T THINK I DON’T KNOW THAT YOU HAVE BEEN HAVING SEX WITH GUYS!

Silence.

Andrew: I have been telling you “NO. I AM NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH A GUY!” But you still pushed on and insisted that I did. So now I am going to tell you straight; YES! I AM HAVING A RELATIONSHIP! So now what? Are you happy to finally hear the answer that you have always wanted to hear, huh? Are you happy now?!

Mum: You just love it when I no longer talk to you, right?

Andrew: YES. I LOVE IT!

Mum: You are just waiting for the opportunity when you no longer have to deal with me…?

Andrew: YES. VERY MUCH IN LOVE WITH IT…

Mum: That’s why for the longest time, you have been wanting to move out, right?

The nest few dialogues sequence happened simultaneously. Both characters just speak their lines, not listening to the other at all.

Mum: Andrew Daud Kobat, you listen here. For the past 28 years, I have always tolerated your behaviour. I carried you in my womb for 9 months. Have you ever asked me how difficult it was to give birth to you?! Have you ever spare a thought for your mother who is unwell right now, and might even die in the next few minutes? Yet, you don’t care. You just do as you please. Like your family don’t even exist anymore! You just shut up! I am sick of listening to you already! Listen to me! Shut up I say! Shut up! I say… (mum hangs up the phone)

Andrew: Yes. I have always wanted to move out cos I don’t find any point in staying at all. Would you care if I were to get hurt when the pan caught fire? No! all you cared for is the dish rack that you bought from DAISO that costs you $2. I could have caught fire and just die, and you wouldn’t even care. So tell me, what is the point of me staying in the same house as you…Hello?

Andrew sat down on the curb. Cars passed by. It was raining. He stared blankly.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Let’s talk about security…AGAIN.


Talking about security… I wanna talk about the something that I found was fundamentally wrong with me during the relationship. I was insecure. That was the root to the problem. I thought about it.

When Farhan and yours truly was dating back then. From September till November, everything was smooth sailing. Cos we both just simply do not put any expectation to one another. We meet only when both of us are free to meet. It is just a coincident that he was working so nearby, that we managed to meet almost every day. On the 11th November, we just finished watching AvenueQ in the Espalanade. We then met up a common friend for supper. Side note: this si the same common friend that match made us. During supper, the friend asked an awkward question: Are you guys together yet? Both of us didn’t give a clear answer. Cos we both didn’t really know how to describe the stage we were both in.

Next day, I asked to meet him for a drink at StarbuckS One Fullerton. Then I popped the question, of why he was unsure on what to answer when the friend popped the question the day before. Needless to say, he turned back at me and asked me the same question as part of his answer. So, I told him that is because I wasn’t sure if we are together yet. Cos there are so many things to consider. And this was how the conversation went that night(more or less, according to what I remember)…

Adi: So how come you didn’t know what to answer?

Farhan: I don’t know. You didn’t seem sure yourself? So why is that Adi?

Adi: I like us being together. And I wouldn’t want it to change. I guess I’m scared of losing what we have right now?

Farhan: you read my mind.

Adi: I am scared that once we are in a relationship, everything will change. I am scared of the expectations that come with it.

Farhan: Okay.

Adi: but then again, I know somewhere inside I have fallen for you, and if I don’t make the move, someone else might just make the move on you, and then I will still lose you. So you know what? Next time, if anyone asks you if we are attached, just say yes. You are attached to me.

And that was it. Farhan used to tell everyone that I didn’t even propose. In fact I didn’t even ask. I just exert that he was mine.

But that incident just made it clear what was flawed with me. When I said that I was afraid that I might not be able to meet up his expectations, I guess I meant to say I was afraid that I WAS THE ONE who would set high expectations in the relationship. Expectations that has led me to my own depression. Expectations that have caused us so much tension. That is my flaw in every relationship. Oh god! I am so fucking useless in relationships!

Monday, July 05, 2010

A picture that floods memory bank






Someone tagged this picture on my facebook today. It was taken like a couple of years back. when I looked at it, my only comment was, “God! I used to be that thin!”

I miss that body. I miss that defined jaw line. I may sound superficial to you now. Let me finish my line before you judge. Of all the things that I miss most was my old self.

There was once upon a time, I was very much like this frozen tower. Nothing alive could come near me. I was that GUARDED. Loneliness isn’t something that I was afraid of.

I could do anything on my own. I could eat alone. Watch movies alone. Even talk to myself, when I am alone. It was this time, that I felt that I don’t need anybody. I can live on my own. I have my own life in my hand.

I miss that moment. I was independent. I was strong. I was never fragile. If you try to hurt me, I will pay back 10 folds; out of generosity, I would say.

I miss me….