Tuesday, October 12, 2010

I love you

Lying beside you
I am always preoccupied with
Watching your every breath
Wondering what you’re dreaming of behind
those closed lids.
You look so calm
Like as if you feel so safe beside me;
I feel safe beside you
Safe enough for me to
Love you and devote my life to you.
All the curves on you,
I trace with my finger.
I press my face against yours
I sniff in the fresh scent from your hair,
And I gently press my lips against yours.
As you open your eyes gently, you smiled.
I love you.

Monday, October 11, 2010

If you had not been able to read up on me for a bit of time, fret not, cos I had not been having the time to update it either. But after a series of inspiring-thought provoking moments/rubs with people from around me, I just had to relieve the itch of blogging again. Oh yes, don’t trust the dates written next to these few updates.

* She Made my Day
* Unlike Some People

I wrote them in one of the inspiring night/ morning and decided to spread it around the blog, so that It looked that like as if I had been updating my blogs religiously, when it actual fact… well, you and I, we both know best.

I also believe that by spreading it around the blog/ dates, the update is broken up to different parts and thus easier for read. The one moment that kinda struck me was a conversation with a…erm… boss? You see this lady, I see her more of a colleague rather than a boss. However, her wealth of experience and the fact that she pays me, kinda puts her in a higher level than working colleague. Whatever it is, a conversation with her and fellow drama trainers last Sunday, kinda made me think about this whole notion of me or you (yes, the one reading this blog) being a living encyclopedia for the next generation. What does she mean by that?

Okay to start it all off, let me re-tell you the story that she told us trainers on that day. Oh by the way, this lady that I’m referring to, she is Rila Melati. IF you don’t know her, please feel free to click here.

She was telling how some current NUS students are now mailing her to seek permission to use her thesis paper as a research material and a basis for their upcoming essays, and she was telling us that back then, when she wrote her thesis, she had no basis or references to cite. So she ahd to go to the primary sources and interview people from the arts industry; namely Noor Effendi Ibrahim, Jamal and so forth. And she was telling us how surprise she was to find out that twentry years later, after she graduated, these students are asking her permission to use her thesis as a basis. The question is; shouldn’t there be more resources out there for these students to use as their basis. And she had a discussion with some theatre practitioners and they found it alarming at how twenty years down the road, Malay Theatre seem to have frozen and stood still against time. It had not change that much and most of the movers and shakers aren’t shaking as vigorously as the way they shakened things up back then. And she said that it could be due to our Malay culture where sharing is rare. And i8t could also be the rigidity of the Malays to change their perception towards the arts as just a form of entertainment that distracts rather than an area where the Malays could have excelled and made millions from. Therefore, this nice lady had told us, that as practitioners, we should do our best to stand up for what we believe in (and she quotes Alfian Saat in this) and write down our experiences into a form of a journal or blog or some written materials that these future undergrads could us as a basis when they wanna write a thesis on Malay cultures and theatres… She said in us, we hold that wealth of experience, so why not share it to one day change the perception of the malay community towards arts and entertainment- It’s not just glamour, glitz and fame; it’s lots hard work and tears and sacrifices.

For me, I would like to see myself one day, finally being able to convince my parents that this is what I’m meant to do: it doesn’t pay THAT well for me to get a car or a bungalow, let alone a HDB flat; but still it is enough for me. And that I am lucky to be able to do what I am passionate about as a career…

Sunday, October 10, 2010


I love you Philip Morris- A film about a man named Steven Russell, who is happily married to Debbie, and a member of the local police force when a car accident provokes a dramatic reassessment of his life. Steven realizes he's gay and decides to live life to the fullest - even if it means breaking the law. Steven's new, extravagant lifestyle involves cons and fraud and, eventually, a stay in the State Penitentiary where he meets sensitive, soft-spoken Phillip Morris. His devotion to freeing Phillip from jail and building the perfect life together prompts Steven to attempt and often succeed at one impossible con after another.

I am sure by now (if you had been a frequent reader that is) you’d have this thought of “Oh, this is the part he is going to talk about himself. Quite true. I mean, the fact that I am writing about it in my blog is enough said about how much I really, really like this movie. So I am not going to go further with a review of it, cos there are gazillion reviews on the net anyway. Instead I should write to you, telling you how much it meant to me in.

The day that I truly find myself being a gay, I did not try to live my life to the fullest. But I can’t deny about the whole notion of gay life is equivalent to expensive lifestyles. Al those pre-requisite of looking good, and wearing something presentable (always) and gym till you wear have look like a Ken Doll. Gays make love like rabbits, or am I just speaking for myself? Whatever it is, it is just expensive, no matter how hard yopu try to argue around it. And you thought you could save a little money from all those non-existing school fees and nanny fees and tutions fees in your life. Pft…

But then I do realise something, that be it, straight, or bisexual or gay, whatever you choose to classify me back then and now, I tend to have a self destructive behaviour right after a break up. I don’t do slashing or drug overdose, mind you. Just harmless cough syrup to sleep. And lotsa sex with random strangers. And clubbing all week round. That was when I was still…erm…a little less matured. Now, with every life changing event, I would just sit by the beach and either ask myself why or what went wrong. Blaming the other party is never a habit for me. In that sense I am an introvert I guess?

Just for your info, I sat for this test of personality and my personality is ENFP- Extrovert, Intuition, Feeling and perspective. This means that I speak out loud based on my gut feelings and I always look on the flipside of a coin; I don’t go by the book--- Which of course drives a lot of corporate people crazy. And probably explains why I cannot work in the office in the first place.

And back to the movie, go and watch it! For a flat fee of 10/8/6 dollars (depending of where and when you watch the movie), you get lots of drama and warmth; totally worth the money! Oh yes, bring lots tissues with you as well…

Saturday, October 09, 2010


Eat, Pray, Love. Sounds like an autobiography of Adi Jamaludin. But then again, if it is my own autobiography, I would have changed it to Eat, Movies, Lan gaming, Love. Of course, if I were to write an autobiography of myself, I am not sure if it would ever make it to the shelves of any bookstores (they would cite unhealthy alternative lifestyle), much less spinned-off into a movie.

Eat, Pray, Love is about A married woman realizing how unhappy her marriage really is, and that her life needs to go in a different direction. After a painful divorce, she takes off on a round-the-world journey to "find herself". Liz Gilbert (Roberts) had everything a modern woman is supposed to dream of having - a husband, a house, a successful career - yet like so many others, she found herself lost, confused, and searching for what she really wanted in life. Newly divorced and at a crossroads, Gilbert steps out of her comfort zone, risking everything to change her life, embarking on a journey around the world that becomes a quest for self-discovery. In her travels, she discovers the true pleasure of nourishment by eating in Italy; the power of prayer in India, and, finally and unexpectedly, the inner peace and balance of true love in Bali. Written by Sony Pictures.

The thing I like about this movie is the way I find myself so able to relate with the Liz Gilbert. Two years ago, I was attached to this wonderful guy who had saved me from being blinded to the wonderful effects love has in one’s life. I was jaded back then, after failing like a gazillion relationships. I thought true love is like a unicorn; nothing but a myth.

It was all well at first. But as time goes on, I find our relationship became colder. It all started when he said that he was in a predicament. Yes. Such big word. I remembered staring into his eyes blankly and my only response was “What is a predicament?” And he treid to explain himself out, in a way that was too complicated for me to comprehend. So I asked him to cut to the chase, cos I know beneath all that fluff and big words, there is an underlying problem. And he cut to the chase and told me that he didn’t know what to do for my birthday. One eyar prior to this, he bought me a teddy bear and baked a homa-made brownie as a birthday cake for me. I was elated at the sight of the brownie he made for me; I was sure that iw as the happiest man on Earth. Fast forward to a year after that, he somehow had lost his muse and not know what to do for my birthday. IT reminded me of a radio commercial I heard recently which sounded like this;

Narrator: One month after marriage…
Wife: Darling, you’re home just in time. I have cooked the pasta that you liked so much!
Husband: Oh. Wow! That’s so sweet of you. I love you.
Wife: I love you too

Narrator: 6 months later…
Husband: IT’s been so long since I last had my favourite pasta, will you cook some tonight?
Wife: Erm… I’m feeling tired. Another time, okay?

Narrator: 1 year later
Husband: Honey, will you be cooking…
Wife: I am stre3ssed out today! Can you just buy home something to eat?!
Husband: But.. (wife hangs up the phone) Hello? Hello?

Narrator: Do something for your loved ones today…bla bla bla…

And of course, I knew back then that there was something fundamentally wrong with our relationship then. I mean, if you really love a person, of course, you wouldn’t feel weary of them, would you? I knew a break up is around the corner, but everytime, the thought crossed my head, I will tell myself, of how wonderful he is as a life partner. But one night, it struck me; those wonderful memories are things of the past. Lately, when I treid to think of all the wonderful experiences we shared, it was all from 6 months back. Lately, nothing has been pleasant. We quarrelled every night. And that is when, I thought, I had to move on, cos prolonging the relationship is just prolonging pain for both of us.

But still I was plagued with guilt. I mean two eyars we’ve been together, and now it’s like I suddenly gave up? I mean I have not been a perfect angel for him either. Thinking about it, I have been equally monstrous towards him, with all that verbal abuse that I flung at him. And I guess this is where my guilt stems from. The fact that I have been nasty towards him in the relationship. And the fact that I broke up w8ith him on facebook, was something really uncalled for, which I have been trying to seek forgiveness till this day.

So back to the movie, this woman, she felt just as guilty as I am. Throwing that fairy tale dreams that turned into something that is haunting; so haunting that she thought she had lost herself. I thought I had lost myself. She went to Bali to find relief; I went to Sentosa.

But the moral of the whole story is all about forgiving oneself. Cos the more you wait for the other party to forgive you, the more burdened you would feel. In time to come, he would forgive you and see that this is all part of HIS blueprint for your life…. (emergency exits included in all corners, but you’re not allowed to take that option).