Monday, June 27, 2011

Counting my blessings…

26/6/2011—A date that left an imprint in my life. Not a dent, just an imprint. Oh wait… imprint is still a tad too dramatic. Okay. Fine. It is a date that I will remember. Yeah.

You see, prior to that, I had this mega plan of starting up a business with two ladies. They were strong headed, and strong willed. Fast forward through all the complications, I was then left with just one business partner, whom turned out to be someone very different from the one I perceived. I used to see her as someone who is kind yet firm, creative and almost anything positive.

But June has been a month full of revelations. And I thank god for that. For in June, I witnessed her dark side. Cunning, back-biting, and vicious. And to drop her as a business partner, required me to summon up all the evilness in me, cos frankly despite my bitchiness, I just didn’t have the heart to see her disappointed face. Especially since I know, behind that icy cold persona, lies a lonely girl. But I thought it had to be done that way.
And so I dropped her out of the business idea.

And looking back, I am just thankful that I am not lonely. For I have real friends who have stuck by me through my darkest hours and make life a little bit more tolerable. You all know who you are… I could never thank you guys enough…

P.s: They say you are lucky if you can get more than a handful of people who will stuck by you through thick and thin…

Friday, June 24, 2011


The Inspirer

As an ENFP, your primary mode of living is focused externally, where you take things in primarily via your intuition. Your secondary mode is internal, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit in with your personal value system.

ENFPs are warm, enthusiastic people, typically very bright and full of potential. They live in the world of possibilities, and can become very passionate and excited about things. Their enthusiasm lends them the ability to inspire and motivate others, more so than we see in other types. They can talk their way in or out of anything. They love life, seeing it as a special gift, and strive to make the most out of it.

ENFPs have an unusually broad range of skills and talents. They are good at most things which interest them. Project-oriented, they may go through several different careers during their lifetime. To onlookers, the ENFP may seem directionless and without purpose, but ENFPs are actually quite consistent, in that they have a strong sense of values which they live with throughout their lives. Everything that they do must be in line with their values. An ENFP needs to feel that they are living their lives as their true Self, walking in step with what they believe is right. They see meaning in everything, and are on a continuous quest to adapt their lives and values to achieve inner peace. They're constantly aware and somewhat fearful of losing touch with themselves. Since emotional excitement is usually an important part of the ENFP's life, and because they are focused on keeping "centered", the ENFP is usually an intense individual, with highly evolved values.

An ENFP needs to focus on following through with their projects. This can be a problem area for some of these individuals. Unlike other Extraverted types, ENFPs need time alone to center themselves, and make sure they are moving in a direction which is in sync with their values. ENFPs who remain centered will usually be quite successful at their endeavors. Others may fall into the habit of dropping a project when they become excited about a new possibility, and thus they never achieve the great accomplishments which they are capable of achieving.

Most ENFPs have great people skills. They are genuinely warm and interested in people, and place great importance on their inter-personal relationships. ENFPs almost always have a strong need to be liked. Sometimes, especially at a younger age, an ENFP will tend to be "gushy" and insincere, and generally "overdo" in an effort to win acceptance. However, once an ENFP has learned to balance their need to be true to themselves with their need for acceptance, they excel at bringing out the best in others, and are typically well-liked. They have an exceptional ability to intuitively understand a person after a very short period of time, and use their intuition and flexibility to relate to others on their own level.

Because ENFPs live in the world of exciting possibilities, the details of everyday life are seen as trivial drudgery. They place no importance on detailed, maintenance-type tasks, and will frequently remain oblivous to these types of concerns. When they do have to perform these tasks, they do not enjoy themselves. This is a challenging area of life for most ENFPs, and can be frustrating for ENFP's family members.

An ENFP who has "gone wrong" may be quite manipulative - and very good it. The gift of gab which they are blessed with makes it naturally easy for them to get what they want. Most ENFPs will not abuse their abilities, because that would not jive with their value systems.

ENFPs sometimes make serious errors in judgment. They have an amazing ability to intuitively perceive the truth about a person or situation, but when they apply judgment to their perception, they may jump to the wrong conclusions.

ENFPs who have not learned to follow through may have a difficult time remaining happy in marital relationships. Always seeing the possibilities of what could be, they may become bored with what actually is. The strong sense of values will keep many ENFPs dedicated to their relationships. However, ENFPs like a little excitement in their lives, and are best matched with individuals who are comfortable with change and new experiences.

Having an ENFP parent can be a fun-filled experience, but may be stressful at times for children with strong Sensing or Judging tendancies. Such children may see the ENFP parent as inconsistent and difficult to understand, as the children are pulled along in the whirlwind life of the ENFP. Sometimes the ENFP will want to be their child's best friend, and at other times they will play the parental authoritarian. But ENFPs are always consistent in their value systems, which they will impress on their children above all else, along with a basic joy of living.

ENFPs are basically happy people. They may become unhappy when they are confined to strict schedules or mundane tasks. Consequently, ENFPs work best in situations where they have a lot of flexibility, and where they can work with people and ideas. Many go into business for themselves. They have the ability to be quite productive with little supervision, as long as they are excited about what they're doing.

Because they are so alert and sensitive, constantly scanning their environments, ENFPs often suffer from muscle tension. They have a strong need to be independent, and resist being controlled or labelled. They need to maintain control over themselves, but they do not believe in controlling others. Their dislike of dependence and suppression extends to others as well as to themselves.

ENFPs are charming, ingenuous, risk-taking, sensitive, people-oriented individuals with capabilities ranging across a broad spectrum. They have many gifts which they will use to fulfill themselves and those near them, if they are able to remain centered and master the ability of following through.

Jungian functional preference ordering for ENFP:

Dominant: Extraverted Intuition
Auxiliary: Introverted Feeling
Tertiary: Extraverted Thinking
Inferior: Introverted Sensing

How about some Zodiac reading at un-earthly hour?

#AquariusMan-#CapricornMan: Commitment may be an issue in this match. Your partner likes it early in a relationship, while you're more likely to be comfortable with a more casual arrangement, at least until your partner has become a very close friend.

You both can be very stubborn though in different areas, sometimes making reconciliation difficult.

You both take career and work seriously, though for different reasons - your Capricorn is largely building future security and status. This can of course be a very valuable quality in a long term partner.

The final challenge in an Aquarius Capricorn relationship is that there's a good chance you will each be focused on aspects of life outside of each other. To a degree you each tend to ignore a relationship in the absence of a 'needy' partner who encourages you to focus on it. This one is easily fixed however by dedicating romantic time together regularly

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Remark of the day…

Imagine that you just woke up. You went to the toilet. Sleepy and groggy. Hair is messy. You sat on the throne, about to take a dump. Then your phone went “…You’re on the right track baby, you were born to survive”. You picked up. It’s your best friend.

You: Hello?

Best friend: Hello?

You: Can you hear me?

Best friend: (beat) Adi?

You: Yeah?

Best friend: Girl?! Asal suara kau jantan eh pagi pagi gini? (Translation: Girl?! Why your voice so man in the morning?)

Enough is Enough

I really love the vocals of these two singers... But most of all I love the song to bits...

It's raining,
It's pouring,
My love life is boring me to tears,
After all these years.

No sunshine,
No moonlight,
No stardust,
No sign of romance.
We don't stand a chance.

I always dreamed
I'd find the perfect lover.
But he turned out to be
Like every other man I loved,
I loved.

Raining (raining)
Pouring (pouring)
There's nothing left for us here.
And we won't waste another tear...

If you've had enough,
Don't put up
With his stuff,
Don't you do it.

Now, if you've had your fill,
Get the check,
Pay the bill,
You can do it.

Tell him to just get out,

Nothing left to talk about.

Pack his raincoat, show him out,

Just look him in the eye and simply shout:

Enough is enough
I can't go on,
I can't go on no more no.
Enough is enough
I want him out,
I want him out that door now.

Enough is enough (ooh, owww)
Enough is enough
That's enough, (ooh yeah)

If you've reached the end,
Don't pretend
That it's right,
When it's over.

(it's over)
If the feeling is gone,
Don't think twice
Just move on,
Get it over. (over, over)

Tell him to just get out,
Say it clearly,
Spell it out:

Enough is enough is enough
I can't go on,
I can't go on no more no.
Enough is enough is enough
I want him out,
I want him out that door now.

Enough is enough (ooh, owww)
Enough is enough
That's enough (ooh)

I always dreamed I'd find
The perfect lover.
But he turned out to be
Like every other man I loved. (I had no choice from the start)
I loved, (I've gotta listen to my heart)
I loved. (tearing us apart)

Enough is enough is enough
I can't go on,
I can't go on no more no.
Enough is enough is enough
I want him out,
I want him out that door now.

Enough is enough (ooh, owww)
Enough is enough
That's enough (ooh, yeah)
No more tears...

No more tears (no more tears)
No more tears (no more tears)
No more tears (no more tears)
No more tears (no more tears)

I've had it, (no more tears)
You've had it,
She's had it. (no more tears)
He's had it. (no more tears)
She's had it.

He's had it.
I've had it. (no more tears)
I've had it.
He's had it.
She's had it.

Sunday, June 19, 2011


Some say they help wash the sins
Cos with tears come pure remorse
Others may see it as a form of conceit.
When one shed a tear
It’s to express an extreme
Either bliss or sufferings—
Either ways, tears are beautiful
Cos it helps to express what lies deep inside.

Friday, June 17, 2011

I'm Only Gay

Okay. With Pinkdot around the corner, I have already shared with you how I came out to my mother—Which didn’t really go that well. If you’re still looking for other ways to come out to your parents, here is another suggestion: DO IT MUSICAL STYLE!!

Monday, June 13, 2011

New Words I learn...

1. the state or quality of being anonymous.
2. an anonymous person: some fine poetry attributed to anonymities.

— n
favouritism shown to relatives or close friends by those with power or influence

[C17: from Italian nepotismo, from nepote nephew , from the former papal practice of granting special favours to nephews or other relatives]

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Lines I missed hearing...

While going through the arcane collection of scripts, I came upon this script. It brings back memories- Both good and bad. And.. I don't know... I guess I miss those times when we could come together and do something good...

*to the tunes of Britney Spear's Hit Me Baby one more time (you know the verse where she sang my loneliness is killing me..yeah that part!)*

I hate it when I can’t smoke or drink
Or shag the Arab honcho on the sink
I think the office needs a condom dispenser
I’m pregnant with the kid of the Indian musketeer.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

A Comment from the Ex's new BF

MY Ex’s current bf wrote a comment to me (how exciting, right?)…

Hi Adi,

I dont know you personally but Alex told me a lot of good things about you and never spoke bad of you. I think its just ethical if you would do the same, unless you keep high level of insecurities within yourself which drives your impeccable senseless rants.


And so the following is my reply…

Hi Adrian,
I like the fact that you tried to tell me that you don’t know me personally and yet you used judgemental words and phrases like “insecurities” and “impeccable senselss rants” on me. Do you usually judge people you don’t know; I find it amusing. Let me just try to break it down to you in the most peaceful way I could, cause personally I think this is between me and Alex, and it IS EXCLUSIVE in that sense. You get what I mean?

Let me just start off by pointing out to you, my blog header. Do you notice what it says? “Random Ramblings”. Yes. Readers have been warned that this blog is going to be about MY ramblings or in your words—“senseless rants”. If you’re not cool with it, why read on, right?

Next, the reason I was upset. You see, when I was in a relationship with Alex, I would have done anything for him. I would fly to KL to see him for an hour and then fly back to Singapore for rehearsals just because he said he was upset. I starved myself just so that I can lend him some cash to pay for his education. I would have died for him. And to find that he has been cheating behind my back with the help of Grndr; it was devastating. But I guess you would never be able to get to that state cos from the way he described you, you seem to be the type who would prioritise yourself first. You would rather spend your money on braces than to spend it on bringing him to Singapore for PINKDOT. Yes. I know quite a fair share about you, cos when he has problems with you, he doesn’t run to his friends. He runs to me.

Now let’s talk about ethics. Your definition is when someone talks nice thing about you, you’d have to do the same. I guess then, if your partner stays faithful to you, it is only ethical for you to do the same, right? If he doesn’t, why should ethics even be applied in the first place?

And every human being feels insecure at one point or the other. So why put other people down for being insecure? Do you see me put you down when you feel insecure of yourself? Especially during the part where you feel like you’re a rebound? (yes, he called me up when you guys have this issue too). Do you see me being judgemental when you find the need to spend so much money to straighten up your teeth cos you were apparently insecure about your teeth? So let’s be ethical. I have never put you down, I don’t think you should.

And when it comes to me referring to you as being a toy, I did not mean to say you are not good enough for him. Who am I to judge, right? That phrase was totally meant to point at how he treated people. I am sure you are good enough for him. I mean he referred to you as “the better [me]”. And I believed him cos you can dance. I can’t. You have the patience to design web pages. I don’t. But then again, I wondered why he did not say that you are a better man or you’re a better partner? Instead, he chose to use me as a comparison. I just find the comparison not very healthy cos you will never be credited for your own strength or qualities. You will just be this lingering figure hiding behind my shadows. I don’t know… just my personal “ramblings” again. If you’re not happy with it, the “X” or RED button in the top right corner is your friend…USE IT.

Yours Sincerely
Sometimes, in the midst of it all, you just have to sit and meditate.... *closes eyes and breathes calmly and chants* ooooooommmmmmnnnn. Ommmmmmmmnnnnn. Omnomnomnom. *in goes the kaya toast* ommmmmmmmnnnnnn. Ommmmmmmnnnnnnnnnn. Omnomnomnom. *in goes another kaya toast*

Wednesday, June 08, 2011

Wanna bet?

I just want to make a quick note here. I can bet my arse, with pinkdot around the corner, he will surely call/ message me up telling me that he is gonna come to Singapore. Not because he wanna find out how I am doing, but more of to show off his new toy. So typical of him. So how? You wanna bet on that?

Tuesday, June 07, 2011

IF i were King of all Candies

My friend took a photo of me in Candylicious and she tagged it as Queen of all Candies. I believe she tagged it wrongly. It should have read: King of all Candies. But that is not the point. Somehow, her tag kinda strikes a thought; What if I were the King/ Queen of all Candies?

IF I were the King of Candies
I will make sure that instead of sugar
I put other healthier substitutes
to make my candies just as sweet
These substitutes may be pricier
But I guess it pains me too much to see
These children undergoing
Sulfonylureas, Biguanides , insulin shots and amputations in the future

If I were the King of all Candies
I will ensure that the cure to cancer
is mixed into the candies
So that children will not need
To go through chemotherapy, radiation therapy, surgery
Or financial assistance or deaths

If I were the King of all Candies
I will mix my ingredients to be totally
Free from fats and harmful addictive substance
Or additives that allow me to save a few cents
At the expense of these children

If I were King of all Candies
I will make candies available to everyone
Regardless of race, nationalities or wealth or skin colours…

Saturday, June 04, 2011

The thing about running from... your emotion

The thing about running away from your emotion is sometimes, you feel so liberated—free from all that baggage. Free from the years of heartbreaks. Free from all the problems. And you just keep running. Running with work. Running with your adizero shoes. Keep running till you can run no more. Till the point of exhaustion…

That is when your years of baggage and emotions consume you. Bit by bit, they tear you down, till you lie on the floor, lifeless. At this point, you can either fight for your life back, or you can just let yourself be consumed. I choose to fight for my life back. Cos I never find any worth in throwing my life away just because some idiot decided to bring me down!

Friday, June 03, 2011

How I came out to my Mum

Two days ago, a friend asked me if my mother knew about me being gay. I told her that I did come out to her, and she ended up not talking to me for two months plus. And now she pretended that the incident didn’t happen. This friend of mine asked how exactly did I come out to my mother and I told her that she will never believe me. After I told her the story, she laughed non-stop. Truth be told, I actually found it funny now. Yes. Back then, I felt it was really tragic. But looking back at it now, the incident is actually funny. I mean who would ever thought a burnt dish rack could have actually caused me to blurt out loud to her that I AM GAY! Here is how the story went…

Settings: Adi just finished his morning class at Tampines North Primary School. Adi checks his handphone. 9 missed calls—--all from mum. He called her. She picks up.

Adi: You called?

Mum: Did you try to burn the house down?

Adi: What?

Mum: I woke up, and I saw the whole dish rack was blackened!

Adi: I tried to warm up the goring pisang, and the pan caught fire. And then I took the pan and threw it into the sink. And I turned on the tap after that and…

Mum: And you put water to the burning pan?! Asal kau bodoh?! The fire become big lah like that! Aiyoh! The older you get, the more nonsensical things you do!

Adi: I didn’t do it on purpose. It just happened.

Mum: And then after do all these nonsensical things, never want to admit.

Adi: Didn’t I just explain to you what I DID in the morning?

Mum: I am not just referring to today lah! Everytime you do something stupid, where you got want to admit?! If I never found out for myself…

Adi: What did I not admit to?

Mum: A lot of things lah…

Adi: I am sick and tired of you saying that I never admit to my wrong doings! So now out with it! What wrong did I do that I never admit to?







Adi: I have been telling you “NO. I AM NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH A GUY!” But you still pushed on and insisted that I did. So now I am going to tell you straight; YES! I AM HAVING A RELATIONSHIP WITH A GUY! Aku tidur dengan semua jantan!! So now what? Are you happy to finally hear the answer that you have always wanted to hear, huh? Are you happy now?!

Mum: You just love it when I no longer talk to you, right?


Mum: You are just waiting for the opportunity when you no longer have to deal with me…?


Mum: That’s why for the longest time, you have been wanting to move out, right?

The next few dialogues sequence happened simultaneously. Both characters just speak their lines, not listening to the other at all.

Mum: Muhammad Mahadi Bin Jamaludin, you listen here. For the past 28 years, I have always tolerated your behaviour. I carried you in my womb for 9 months. Have you ever asked me how difficult it was to give birth to you?! Have you ever spare a thought for your mother who is unwell right now, and might even die in the next few minutes? Yet, you don’t care. You just do as you please. Like your family don’t even exist anymore! You just shut up! I am sick of listening to you already! Listen to me! Shut up I say! Shut up! I say… (mum hangs up the phone)

Adi: Yes. I have always wanted to move out cos I don’t find any point in staying at all. Would you care if I were to get hurt when the pan caught fire? No! all you cared for is the dish rack that you bought from DAISO that costs you $2. I could have caught fire and just die, and you wouldn’t even care. So tell me, what is the point of me staying in the same house as you.. Hello? Hello? Hello?!

Mum hangs up the phone. Adi finally realises that there were at least 10 makciks at the school gate looking at him. He comforts himself by telling himself that the tudung on the makciks’ head is too tight and that they didn’t just hear the exchanges you had with mum on the phone. But from the looks on their faces, they have obviously heard everything. Adi walks away hastily before finally sitting on the side curb to cry. The rain falls shortly after that. (Very the SEMBILU moment)……

So yes, moral of the story? My mum is very random….